awesomesprout | Angry?

Angry?

Angry? Why should I be angry?

I'm the one who broke the rules. I'm the one who assumed something once again. I'm the one who fucked up. I'm angry. FUCK YAH I'm angry.

I'm angry at myself for wanting more than I'm entitled to.

I'm angry at myself for not being someone I should be.

I'm angry at myself for once again not listening.

So then...

Why do I keep doing it?

Maybe it's cuz I never got angry at myself before.

Going Under by Evanescence

now i will tell you what i've done for you
50 thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me
don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under

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What ill has struck you?

I'm the one who broke the rules. I'm the one who assumed something once again. I'm the one who fucked up. I'm angry. FUCK YAH I'm angry.
I'm angry at myself for wanting more than I'm entitled to.
I'm angry at myself for not being someone I should be.
I'm angry at myself for once again not listening.

I hope you're simply using some subtle form of satire here, hun, because you are NOT the one who hasn't been listening, who has been making assumptions and wanting more than they're 'entitled' to - and if you really feel that way, I'm a-comin' over with the ClueBat.

I'm starting to wonder why you're sticking around for this ongoing BS... but that's a convo that can wait until we're in person and my temper has cooled down.

Johanna, as much as I love you, you honestly have NO clue to what you are talking about.

AG.

Yah, and so it seems, neither do you some days.

Jessica made an open post, I made a response based on what little I know. You want your side known, then feel free to do so in your journal.

As it is, I'm getting a little sick of hearing that you two have agreed not to talk about the relationship publicly, and then posts like this get made. Both of you are breaking that particular rule, and you both need to keep to it or admit it's been abandoned.

Sometimes, the rules placed upon us by others are not fair.

And though the others attempt to absolve themselves of responsibility because we are the ones who broke the rules, in truth, they are as just at fault for placing us under impossible conditions.

It is the responsibility of the strong to protect the weak, sometimes from themselves.

This is the meaning of honour and of justice.

I want to comment on this specific comment - Sometimes, the rules placed upon us by others are not fair.

And though the others attempt to absolve themselves of responsibility because we are the ones who broke the rules, in truth, they are as just at fault for placing us under impossible conditions.

Let me say first, that this comment is not in reference to the specific situation that inspired this thread. I do my best not to comment on specific relationships in public settings, so please do NOT take this in any way as a comment on the relationship that inspired this all.

That being said, I disagree with this comment about rules. Rules, issues, emotions, none of these thing, IMHO are ever 'fair or unfair.' Because you always have the choice to accept, not accept, or negotiate further. If someone draws a line in the sand, and says, these are my rules, or else... well, thats their choice. and then whoever they are dealing with has the choice to accept the rules, or say no, I can't accept them.

I am ignorant of this situation, so please do not apply anything I write directly to this situation.

All true, to be sure.

However, if we are stronger people who set these limits on those that are weaker with personal gain for ourselves, with the full knowledge that the other will most likely break the condition, then we have taken advantage of the weaker.

For example, if a woman is in love with me, but I tell her that we can only have a physical relationship/friendship and not a serious relationship, I know that she will accept in the attempt gain my love and trust. But if I know that my personal feelings will never change, then I have set her up for failure and also for deep hurt since she cannot change how she feels and she has entered into the contract with the hope of gaining more.

The fault of hers is that she accepted the contract while hoping for more. The fault of mine is that I placed that ridiculous contract before her, knowing that she would accept with false hopes, and knowing that she would be hurt all the more in the end.

In this case, as the stronger person, I must accept the responsibility to protect the weaker person from herself, and not even place the contract before her.

I think that sounds more like integrity than justice. :-p

>remaining firmly out of the overall mess<

Intriguing...

While they are distinct concepts, one might argue that true justice requires integrity as a facet of a greater whole. To be truly just, one must be honest and just actions seem to be rooted in integrity.

Debate, discuss, debunk at your whim. Or feel free to take it up with me at my place. :)

I'd say that justice--true justice--does require integrity. But not all integrity even involves justice. This situation, for example, has more to do with self-honesty and feelings than what-is-really-truly-fair.

So I'd have to say it's analagous to squares and rectangles. :)

True, it is integrity when applied to the self.

When applied to others, when we hold others to the same ideal, then that is justice.

you're so wrapped up in all the relationship bs, you've lost yourself.

I can't say if it's worth it or not, it's not MY relationship and I don't know the half of it.

every thought, word and action is focused on this drama. You need to concentrate more on yourself and getting yourslef to where you want to be.

You're not a weak, codependent follower imitating a punching bag. But you sure act like one lately.

As your friend , I hope you understand I'm not trying to attack you or hurt you, just tell you what you need to hear that other friends may not tell you.

I hope it can work out for you.

Christmas Eve 03.

I'm in the parking lot of starbucks and reading this crap.

Some my friends, some people I don't know. Some people I would like to know. All with opinions. Some, most of which are casting me as an evil villian casting down unfair rules and generaly being a prick based on one side of the story.

Because I do not post this crap in my own LJ, because I do not spill my secrets, my life to those around me. I keep it inside and internalized.

THe situation in question is a prime example.

THe rule that was "broken" was one about my house, my space. My TERRITORY. I am territorial. Yes. My shineys, go away. When I first got together with JEssica, I blinked and two months later, she hadn't left in a single night.

This was angering my roommate and driving me nuts. I need to be alone. I don't want to feel like a 'bad guy' when I ask someone to spend a night at THIER house, away from me. I want to sprawl in my god damned bed which I bought extra big for that reason. I want to walk around naked, scratch myself, write private things without someone watching me, without feeling the need to entertain.

Dave reminded me about the "Three Day Rule". Which states, simply, that noone may spend more than three nights a week at our house, be they lover or god himself. Last I checked, this was a very simple, non complex rule. Yet, this rule was ignored. Quote "Its your rule, I don't like it, so if I can avoid it, I'm going to ignore it and break it."

I need my rules, when I Do set them, to be respected. I set rules in a backwards fashion usualy. In responce to a NEED. If you don't respect my BOUNDRIES I do not feel *I* am respected. If I am not respected, valued, what the FUCK am I in this relationship for?

Yet, this rule, simple though it may be, was repetedly ignored or broken. Admittedly, I allowed it to happen, letting myself be swayed by lines of logic or making deals with her. "Sure... 4 nights this week, two next week". But two next week never came. The final straw was when a good friend of mine needed a ride to the airport, and Jessica agreed. THe night that came up, I called jessica to see if she was still available. The quote, and I remember this BLOODLY CLEARLY was "I'll take him only if I can spend the the night."

That would have been 6 days in a row. Three she took up front, 1 more because she had work ass-early and near to my house, the 5th I don't remember why. I snapped. It was a slap in the face, to barter with my friend's ride that she had allready offered.

So I suspended the three day rule, and went to a "When I invite you the FUCK over or you ASK and I agree" rule. The agreed time to ask by was 6pm, or assume the answer to be "No" and make plans accordingly.

Yesterday, I worked just over 13 hours. I came home and went to sleep. I woke up and she was there. I went back to sleep. I woke up at midnight with her asking me for pillows... and I twigged on that.

"Um... are you spending the night?"

"Well, you were asleep..."

"And this means what?"

So yes. I stated my boundry and I stuck to it. If I'm evil or prickish for that... FUCK OFF. Seriously. Take a flying fuck. I'm TIRED of sitting in my corner, not spilling my side of this little drama to the world, being the better man, and being seen as all that is emotionaly abusive and evil.

AG.
"Caw MOTHERFUCKEN Caw."

I don't understand why you're getting mad. I said I was upset AT MYSELF. I made it very vague for a reason. And you always take it so personally! People asked what was wrong. I didn't tell them. Said it was nothing to be concerned with and to move on. I'm not trying to cause LJ drama anyway. I'm using LJ exactly for what it should be used for. AN OUTLET OF HOW I FEEL. You told me not to talk to your friends about you or us. You told me not to post in my LJ about you or us. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?! Would making all my posts utterly private make you happy?! Then so be it. I'm running out of places to turn to. I was ANGRY AT MYSELF! I was angry because once again I assumed something. I once again didn't ask. I fucked up. I admitted that. Why can't you just leave it there? Why do you get so upset when people say things about what I've said? Obviously they don't know what I'm talking about so therefore. I'm not talking to them about you. You know what's right. And what makes you happy. So why let other peoples opinions piss you off so much. You know who you are and that you AREN'T The bad guy. Or a prick. Or an asshole.

For the most part, this post was not aimed at you.

It is aimed at those who sit in judgement.

HOwever, I have asked you, pleaded with you, and in the end, outright demanded that you stop posting relationship related material in this lj because it just feeds the overarching drama. You keep posting after agreeing. Yes, that does anger me.

AG.

Perhaps you should invest in some less constraining agreements. You've always maintained that a journal is for the journaler and those who read do so at their own peril--you have even vented today that the buyer beware. Perhaps Jessica is using LJ as a passive agressive attempt to get sympathy by turning around popular support against you in a great conspiritorial scheeme, but it' more likely that she's just venting.

I might suggest that your true quarrel is with people who read into this stuff. With those who aren't soliciting your side of things, or jump to conclusions. With those who are reading a vague no-names-named post of self deprication, and jumping to the conclusion that you are unfair. But I think you might be suffering from a healthy dose of self consciousness in this regard. Most people are judging the situation, not you or her specifically.

And you always take it so personally!

Well, you *are* talking about him... I'd take it personally too.

The context of that sentence is important. Right before, she said she was posting about herself and deliberately made it vague. Perhaps the sentence should be a conjuctive clause but you *still* got mad. It's not a sentence that should be read in a vacuum. :)

If my comments set you off, I apologise. They were not meant to be directed at the situation specifically as I am obviously ignorant of the situation, nor did I realise, until now, that you were the other person (I'm a little slow like that) being disussed. My initial comment was more for general comfort and support, then we got into a rather interesting discussion here.

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