Sigh...

[awesomesprout]

Why must there always be bad things to everything that's good?

I'm learning things that I'm not sure I want to know.

Last night James told me some things that pretty much shocked me. I got really upset. And I could do nothing but cry.

I'm not going to say what he told me because that would be betraying his privacy but it got me thinking.

He also told me that all he wanted was for me to be myself. In between sobs, I choked out an " I'm trying. "

He doesn't understand that I've had to change a lot of who I am and how I do things for this relationship. They aren't bad things but they're just... not what I'm used to.

I've shown him different aspects of who I am and they've been crippled and put away because they couldn't be handled.

So I'm still being myself just slightly modified.

I have a lot of questions I need to ask him. I have a lot of things I need to think about.

And I want to know this. What's wrong with being possessive? What's wrong with wanting to keep something wonderful to yourself and being selfish for a little while? I don't want it forever. I just want it and know that it's mine just for a small amount of time?

Everyone acts like being possessive is like some horrible crime.

Here's a little insight into me. I'm possessive in the beginning of ALL my relationships. That's how I feel out what the situation is and whether or not the person is going to stick around. And if it's something I want to invest my time and energy into.

After I've gotten comfortable I back wayyyy off. I let the person have their freedom and space. I just need a comfort level to be achieved before I can be secure. It's just who I am.

Yes. I'm needy. Yes. I love attention. Yes I'm a lot of things.

But A. I can admit to that.
B. I know my limits and what I'm capable of.
C. I'm flexible on certain things.
D. I'm not here to control anyone or be anyone's mother. I'm a person too. I have my own life. I have things I do on my own. But I do like to know the details of a situation before I retract my claws and fangs and the hair on my back goes back down. I like to be secure.

Too many things in my life have been or are just way too up in the air. And I cannot handle that. Yes. That stems from childhood issues. But I'm an adult now and I make my own decisions and that what I need. Stability and security.

So before you judge. Before you bad mouth anything to James. Before any of that is done. Just please bear in mind that I'm not perfect. And I know this. No one is perfect. And we all have our issues. I just don't choose to wave them in front of everyone all the time like an american flag.

So there. That's me. If being that way makes me a horrible person then so be it. Nail me to the cross and tell me I'm a horrible person because I like to keep things I like close to me for a while.

Just don't cast that stone until you've checked yourself.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

He doesn't understand that I've had to change a lot of who I am and how I do things for this relationship. They aren't bad things but they're just... not what I'm used to.
WHY?? Why have you changed yourself? Why are you are not now the person you were then? The one he fell in love with? You have SO MUCH going for you - and the NUMBER ONE thing that you HAD going for you in this relationship was the simple fact that you didn't let him walk all over you.

Actually, I know why.
Because it didn't matter so much. You didn't have so much at stake before, so you could be the person he was initially attracted to... someone who gave as good as she got. But then you fell in love. Always the place relationships go wrong. Now he's not just a great guy you hang out with... now it's your heart on the line. And you're afraid. You're afraid of losing him, so you change yourself to fit with his vision of how he wants you to be, and in the process you lose what was so attractive in the first place.

Please, do think about this...

If he fell in love with who you were, and I can only assume that's what happened. If he fell in love with who you were, why would you want to "put away" parts of yourself?

Do me a favor. Go back and re-read your journal over the last year or so. Read how you've changed. Read the decisions you've made, the promises sworn. You may find yourself surprised where you are today.

Everyone acts like being possessive is like some horrible crime.
Do you own him? The last time I checked, slavery is considered a horrible crime. If you have some kind of BDSM contract or something, then yah, you have a total right to be possessive. But until you are a lot further along in your relationship.. like to the "forsaking all others" stage.. you might want to loosen that death grip.

We understand that you adore him and want to keep him to yourself. But you're only going to smother him. Imagine he's a cat. - the tighter you hold him, the more he'll struggle to get down. I don't need to tell you that. You know that. Acting on it is entirely different, I know.

Good luck honey.

You'll need it.

- K -

[(Anonymous)]

I would have to agree with my other anonymous friend there. Why change yourself and invest so much time into this relationship when he is not willing to do the same? Has he changed for you? How much effort is he willing to put out, and how much effort have you already expended? To me, it sounds a heck of a lot like a one way relationship, and he is just along for the ride.

In your entries, you say he is telling you what is wrong. When has he ever sat you down to tell you what was right? Has he ever told you he likes the things that you are doing? Has he bothered to change his attitude for you?

Does he always make you cry?

[(Anonymous)]

You said this 3 posts ago:

People. Don't. Change.

But now you're trying to change yourself? Jessica, where do you stand? You do this all the freaking time, you say one thing and then you go back on it soon after! You need to be firm on what you stand for, because nobody's going to take you seriously if you keep doing shit like that.

And don't hang on to James because you are desperate for a stable relationship, which I know you are. It sounds like some headgames are going on and you don't need that. I'm so tired of hearing/reading about you crying, you need to put your foot down and decide when this must stop.

Good luck to you!

[uisge.livejournal.com]

Well, possessiveness is bad (for lack of a better term) because you don't own him. You can only possess something you own, not a person.

That being said, I understand feeling that way, I feel it sometimes, too.

It's very hard to not even have the foundation and security of a long-time relationship to go on when adjusting to this.

What are you scared of? Don't be shy. Of him falling in love with someone else and leaving you? Of him being with someone you think might be prettier, smarter, wittier? Of being home alone while he's on a date? What scares you, put it in your face, and then talk to him about it.