Sigh...

[awesomesprout]

Why must there always be bad things to everything that's good?

I'm learning things that I'm not sure I want to know.

Last night James told me some things that pretty much shocked me. I got really upset. And I could do nothing but cry.

I'm not going to say what he told me because that would be betraying his privacy but it got me thinking.

He also told me that all he wanted was for me to be myself. In between sobs, I choked out an " I'm trying. "

He doesn't understand that I've had to change a lot of who I am and how I do things for this relationship. They aren't bad things but they're just... not what I'm used to.

I've shown him different aspects of who I am and they've been crippled and put away because they couldn't be handled.

So I'm still being myself just slightly modified.

I have a lot of questions I need to ask him. I have a lot of things I need to think about.

And I want to know this. What's wrong with being possessive? What's wrong with wanting to keep something wonderful to yourself and being selfish for a little while? I don't want it forever. I just want it and know that it's mine just for a small amount of time?

Everyone acts like being possessive is like some horrible crime.

Here's a little insight into me. I'm possessive in the beginning of ALL my relationships. That's how I feel out what the situation is and whether or not the person is going to stick around. And if it's something I want to invest my time and energy into.

After I've gotten comfortable I back wayyyy off. I let the person have their freedom and space. I just need a comfort level to be achieved before I can be secure. It's just who I am.

Yes. I'm needy. Yes. I love attention. Yes I'm a lot of things.

But A. I can admit to that.
B. I know my limits and what I'm capable of.
C. I'm flexible on certain things.
D. I'm not here to control anyone or be anyone's mother. I'm a person too. I have my own life. I have things I do on my own. But I do like to know the details of a situation before I retract my claws and fangs and the hair on my back goes back down. I like to be secure.

Too many things in my life have been or are just way too up in the air. And I cannot handle that. Yes. That stems from childhood issues. But I'm an adult now and I make my own decisions and that what I need. Stability and security.

So before you judge. Before you bad mouth anything to James. Before any of that is done. Just please bear in mind that I'm not perfect. And I know this. No one is perfect. And we all have our issues. I just don't choose to wave them in front of everyone all the time like an american flag.

So there. That's me. If being that way makes me a horrible person then so be it. Nail me to the cross and tell me I'm a horrible person because I like to keep things I like close to me for a while.

Just don't cast that stone until you've checked yourself.

Comments

Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[kijeren.livejournal.com]

I really wish I could identify what it is about you that pushes my buttons so readily.

"Friends don't let friends post annon"

First of all, there are those who do not have an LJ account of their own, and have no desire to get one. Anon posting is the only avenue open to them. Do you automatically dismiss someone's opinion, simply because they don't sign their name to it?

What's wrong with posting anon, if your intention is simply to provide food for thought? I know that you were rather burned by your "a day for anything" experience, and I can see how the above post would put you on the defensive. But that does not mean that anon posting doesn't have it's place. The first comment appears to be thought provoking, rather than attacking. Does it's lack of full signature invalidate every point presented? and for that matter, does one attack against you invalidate every other point made in the second comment?

I read J's post, and there are a lot of things wanted to say on the matter. But in the end, I respected my love's advice to just stay out of it. Then I read the comments, specifically yours, and felt that I needed to throw in a converse opinion.

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[koga.livejournal.com]

I need not wish I knew what it was that pushes my buttons about you, for I have sat and thought about that at quite some lenght.


What makes it wrong to post Annon, and wrong being a purely subjective term, limited to the scope of MY perceptions and not a grand moral statement, is that people rarely ever just try to provide food for thought.

That which you cannot whisper to my face, you have no bussiness shouting from the shadows.

If you have something constructive, perhaps thought provoking, say it. Don't be ashamed to attach your name. Do you think maybe I will, or someone else will have a bad responce to your words? We may get angry and approach you on them? Yes. We may. The courage of your convictions, a phrase I use in situations like these, is the willingness and ability to stand up and take the reprecussions of speaking ones mind.

I never post annon. Even when I'm telling you that your not someone I piticularly enjoy as a human being. Even when I'm saying your a bitch, a sniping trollip or any other form of vituperative assault. Why? Because if I smack you, you at least have the courtasy of knowing who did it.

AG.

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[kijeren.livejournal.com]

Ah... but you see, sometimes the reaction to the person overwhelms the reaction to the sentiment or thought.

The point is not to get into an argument about what is who's business. The point is to get someone to listen without reacting to the personalities involved.

I would be irritated and offended if you attempted to give me relationship advice, for a number of reasons I won't go into here. However, an anon comment removes the personality clash from the equation and forces me to look at the concepts involved on their own merits. Make sense?

I learned a lot about how I think when I did the "a day for anything" meme. There were a couple comments in particular that I took to mean entirely different things, depending on whom I was assuming made the comment. So.. I had to step back and look at the words, and not try to twist them into assumptions based on the supposed speaker.

~*~*~

I had a conversation a while back with someone who was asked to leave a gaming group, because this person had managed to offend nearly everyone involved. "Who what and why" were not relayed to this person, the GM merely let him know he wasn't welcome back.

In the conversation with this person, it became apparent to me that while I would have been intensely bothered by not knowing the "what", he was more concerned with not knowing the "who".

I wonder if perhaps you and I share a similar disparity in points of view?

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[koga.livejournal.com]

In that situation, I would not reveal the who either. As a matter of principle, I could not betray a confidance once given. I've been in that situaiton and it sucks.

Anyway. I am more concerned with the What, but the what is ALWAYS mitigated by the who. For example, I would not accept prostate advice from you, nor would you accept spiritual guidence from me.

Get it? both are full of shit.

I kill me.


Anyway.

I would be irritated and offended if you attempted to give me relationship advice, for a number of reasons I won't go into here. However, an anon comment removes the personality clash from the equation and forces me to look at the concepts involved on their own merits. Make sense?

No. Because: The source, the subjectivity of a statement, defines its reletivity. I don't ask for sexual hints and trivia from the pope. I don't expect Samantha (Random name) to have helpful insight in to a situation when she is known for a history of passive agression, sniping and pot stirring. Simply put; She is more likely to be just stirring the pot than trying to help. She enjoys that kind of thing, and then hides behind her boyfriend or the anon tag.

AG.

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[kijeren.livejournal.com]

I'm going to move this conversation over to my journal, if you don't mind? I feel bad for having hijacked this thread.

I'm still mulling over what you've said here, so it won't be immediately. But I will revisit this issue.

~G