Sigh...

[awesomesprout]

Why must there always be bad things to everything that's good?

I'm learning things that I'm not sure I want to know.

Last night James told me some things that pretty much shocked me. I got really upset. And I could do nothing but cry.

I'm not going to say what he told me because that would be betraying his privacy but it got me thinking.

He also told me that all he wanted was for me to be myself. In between sobs, I choked out an " I'm trying. "

He doesn't understand that I've had to change a lot of who I am and how I do things for this relationship. They aren't bad things but they're just... not what I'm used to.

I've shown him different aspects of who I am and they've been crippled and put away because they couldn't be handled.

So I'm still being myself just slightly modified.

I have a lot of questions I need to ask him. I have a lot of things I need to think about.

And I want to know this. What's wrong with being possessive? What's wrong with wanting to keep something wonderful to yourself and being selfish for a little while? I don't want it forever. I just want it and know that it's mine just for a small amount of time?

Everyone acts like being possessive is like some horrible crime.

Here's a little insight into me. I'm possessive in the beginning of ALL my relationships. That's how I feel out what the situation is and whether or not the person is going to stick around. And if it's something I want to invest my time and energy into.

After I've gotten comfortable I back wayyyy off. I let the person have their freedom and space. I just need a comfort level to be achieved before I can be secure. It's just who I am.

Yes. I'm needy. Yes. I love attention. Yes I'm a lot of things.

But A. I can admit to that.
B. I know my limits and what I'm capable of.
C. I'm flexible on certain things.
D. I'm not here to control anyone or be anyone's mother. I'm a person too. I have my own life. I have things I do on my own. But I do like to know the details of a situation before I retract my claws and fangs and the hair on my back goes back down. I like to be secure.

Too many things in my life have been or are just way too up in the air. And I cannot handle that. Yes. That stems from childhood issues. But I'm an adult now and I make my own decisions and that what I need. Stability and security.

So before you judge. Before you bad mouth anything to James. Before any of that is done. Just please bear in mind that I'm not perfect. And I know this. No one is perfect. And we all have our issues. I just don't choose to wave them in front of everyone all the time like an american flag.

So there. That's me. If being that way makes me a horrible person then so be it. Nail me to the cross and tell me I'm a horrible person because I like to keep things I like close to me for a while.

Just don't cast that stone until you've checked yourself.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

He doesn't understand that I've had to change a lot of who I am and how I do things for this relationship. They aren't bad things but they're just... not what I'm used to.
WHY?? Why have you changed yourself? Why are you are not now the person you were then? The one he fell in love with? You have SO MUCH going for you - and the NUMBER ONE thing that you HAD going for you in this relationship was the simple fact that you didn't let him walk all over you.

Actually, I know why.
Because it didn't matter so much. You didn't have so much at stake before, so you could be the person he was initially attracted to... someone who gave as good as she got. But then you fell in love. Always the place relationships go wrong. Now he's not just a great guy you hang out with... now it's your heart on the line. And you're afraid. You're afraid of losing him, so you change yourself to fit with his vision of how he wants you to be, and in the process you lose what was so attractive in the first place.

Please, do think about this...

If he fell in love with who you were, and I can only assume that's what happened. If he fell in love with who you were, why would you want to "put away" parts of yourself?

Do me a favor. Go back and re-read your journal over the last year or so. Read how you've changed. Read the decisions you've made, the promises sworn. You may find yourself surprised where you are today.

Everyone acts like being possessive is like some horrible crime.
Do you own him? The last time I checked, slavery is considered a horrible crime. If you have some kind of BDSM contract or something, then yah, you have a total right to be possessive. But until you are a lot further along in your relationship.. like to the "forsaking all others" stage.. you might want to loosen that death grip.

We understand that you adore him and want to keep him to yourself. But you're only going to smother him. Imagine he's a cat. - the tighter you hold him, the more he'll struggle to get down. I don't need to tell you that. You know that. Acting on it is entirely different, I know.

Good luck honey.

You'll need it.

- K -

[sproutchk.livejournal.com]

If you felt so strongly about this why didn't you use your whole name and why did you respond anon? I feel bad cuz I'm not like Hey! So and so wrote me a reply! I don't really know who this is and I appreciate your thoughts...

[(Anonymous)]

I would have to agree with my other anonymous friend there. Why change yourself and invest so much time into this relationship when he is not willing to do the same? Has he changed for you? How much effort is he willing to put out, and how much effort have you already expended? To me, it sounds a heck of a lot like a one way relationship, and he is just along for the ride.

In your entries, you say he is telling you what is wrong. When has he ever sat you down to tell you what was right? Has he ever told you he likes the things that you are doing? Has he bothered to change his attitude for you?

Does he always make you cry?

[koga.livejournal.com]

I would like to think that I have told her what is good, and I try to mitigate when she cries. I have changed conciderably for her, as she well knows. Just because I do not discuss it openly or use my journal as an emotional valve, does not mean it is not happening. I am glad she has this outlet and can get feeback from her friends.

I don't think I terribly care what you think about free rides, as I am sorry that you lack the courage of your convictions and cannot speak with a face as well as a voice.

AG.
"Friends don't let friends post annon"

Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[kijeren.livejournal.com]

I really wish I could identify what it is about you that pushes my buttons so readily.

"Friends don't let friends post annon"

First of all, there are those who do not have an LJ account of their own, and have no desire to get one. Anon posting is the only avenue open to them. Do you automatically dismiss someone's opinion, simply because they don't sign their name to it?

What's wrong with posting anon, if your intention is simply to provide food for thought? I know that you were rather burned by your "a day for anything" experience, and I can see how the above post would put you on the defensive. But that does not mean that anon posting doesn't have it's place. The first comment appears to be thought provoking, rather than attacking. Does it's lack of full signature invalidate every point presented? and for that matter, does one attack against you invalidate every other point made in the second comment?

I read J's post, and there are a lot of things wanted to say on the matter. But in the end, I respected my love's advice to just stay out of it. Then I read the comments, specifically yours, and felt that I needed to throw in a converse opinion.

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[koga.livejournal.com]

I need not wish I knew what it was that pushes my buttons about you, for I have sat and thought about that at quite some lenght.


What makes it wrong to post Annon, and wrong being a purely subjective term, limited to the scope of MY perceptions and not a grand moral statement, is that people rarely ever just try to provide food for thought.

That which you cannot whisper to my face, you have no bussiness shouting from the shadows.

If you have something constructive, perhaps thought provoking, say it. Don't be ashamed to attach your name. Do you think maybe I will, or someone else will have a bad responce to your words? We may get angry and approach you on them? Yes. We may. The courage of your convictions, a phrase I use in situations like these, is the willingness and ability to stand up and take the reprecussions of speaking ones mind.

I never post annon. Even when I'm telling you that your not someone I piticularly enjoy as a human being. Even when I'm saying your a bitch, a sniping trollip or any other form of vituperative assault. Why? Because if I smack you, you at least have the courtasy of knowing who did it.

AG.

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[kijeren.livejournal.com]

Ah... but you see, sometimes the reaction to the person overwhelms the reaction to the sentiment or thought.

The point is not to get into an argument about what is who's business. The point is to get someone to listen without reacting to the personalities involved.

I would be irritated and offended if you attempted to give me relationship advice, for a number of reasons I won't go into here. However, an anon comment removes the personality clash from the equation and forces me to look at the concepts involved on their own merits. Make sense?

I learned a lot about how I think when I did the "a day for anything" meme. There were a couple comments in particular that I took to mean entirely different things, depending on whom I was assuming made the comment. So.. I had to step back and look at the words, and not try to twist them into assumptions based on the supposed speaker.

~*~*~

I had a conversation a while back with someone who was asked to leave a gaming group, because this person had managed to offend nearly everyone involved. "Who what and why" were not relayed to this person, the GM merely let him know he wasn't welcome back.

In the conversation with this person, it became apparent to me that while I would have been intensely bothered by not knowing the "what", he was more concerned with not knowing the "who".

I wonder if perhaps you and I share a similar disparity in points of view?

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[koga.livejournal.com]

In that situation, I would not reveal the who either. As a matter of principle, I could not betray a confidance once given. I've been in that situaiton and it sucks.

Anyway. I am more concerned with the What, but the what is ALWAYS mitigated by the who. For example, I would not accept prostate advice from you, nor would you accept spiritual guidence from me.

Get it? both are full of shit.

I kill me.


Anyway.

I would be irritated and offended if you attempted to give me relationship advice, for a number of reasons I won't go into here. However, an anon comment removes the personality clash from the equation and forces me to look at the concepts involved on their own merits. Make sense?

No. Because: The source, the subjectivity of a statement, defines its reletivity. I don't ask for sexual hints and trivia from the pope. I don't expect Samantha (Random name) to have helpful insight in to a situation when she is known for a history of passive agression, sniping and pot stirring. Simply put; She is more likely to be just stirring the pot than trying to help. She enjoys that kind of thing, and then hides behind her boyfriend or the anon tag.

AG.

Re: Rather off topic, but I couldn't resist...

[kijeren.livejournal.com]

I'm going to move this conversation over to my journal, if you don't mind? I feel bad for having hijacked this thread.

I'm still mulling over what you've said here, so it won't be immediately. But I will revisit this issue.

~G

[(Anonymous)]

You said this 3 posts ago:

People. Don't. Change.

But now you're trying to change yourself? Jessica, where do you stand? You do this all the freaking time, you say one thing and then you go back on it soon after! You need to be firm on what you stand for, because nobody's going to take you seriously if you keep doing shit like that.

And don't hang on to James because you are desperate for a stable relationship, which I know you are. It sounds like some headgames are going on and you don't need that. I'm so tired of hearing/reading about you crying, you need to put your foot down and decide when this must stop.

Good luck to you!

[uisge.livejournal.com]

Well, possessiveness is bad (for lack of a better term) because you don't own him. You can only possess something you own, not a person.

That being said, I understand feeling that way, I feel it sometimes, too.

It's very hard to not even have the foundation and security of a long-time relationship to go on when adjusting to this.

What are you scared of? Don't be shy. Of him falling in love with someone else and leaving you? Of him being with someone you think might be prettier, smarter, wittier? Of being home alone while he's on a date? What scares you, put it in your face, and then talk to him about it.