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awesomesproutWhy must there always be bad things to everything that's good?
I'm learning things that I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night James told me some things that pretty much shocked me. I got really upset. And I could do nothing but cry.
I'm not going to say what he told me because that would be betraying his privacy but it got me thinking.
He also told me that all he wanted was for me to be myself. In between sobs, I choked out an " I'm trying. "
He doesn't understand that I've had to change a lot of who I am and how I do things for this relationship. They aren't bad things but they're just... not what I'm used to.
I've shown him different aspects of who I am and they've been crippled and put away because they couldn't be handled.
So I'm still being myself just slightly modified.
I have a lot of questions I need to ask him. I have a lot of things I need to think about.
And I want to know this. What's wrong with being possessive? What's wrong with wanting to keep something wonderful to yourself and being selfish for a little while? I don't want it forever. I just want it and know that it's mine just for a small amount of time?
Everyone acts like being possessive is like some horrible crime.
Here's a little insight into me. I'm possessive in the beginning of ALL my relationships. That's how I feel out what the situation is and whether or not the person is going to stick around. And if it's something I want to invest my time and energy into.
After I've gotten comfortable I back wayyyy off. I let the person have their freedom and space. I just need a comfort level to be achieved before I can be secure. It's just who I am.
Yes. I'm needy. Yes. I love attention. Yes I'm a lot of things.
But A. I can admit to that.
B. I know my limits and what I'm capable of.
C. I'm flexible on certain things.
D. I'm not here to control anyone or be anyone's mother. I'm a person too. I have my own life. I have things I do on my own. But I do like to know the details of a situation before I retract my claws and fangs and the hair on my back goes back down. I like to be secure.
Too many things in my life have been or are just way too up in the air. And I cannot handle that. Yes. That stems from childhood issues. But I'm an adult now and I make my own decisions and that what I need. Stability and security.
So before you judge. Before you bad mouth anything to James. Before any of that is done. Just please bear in mind that I'm not perfect. And I know this. No one is perfect. And we all have our issues. I just don't choose to wave them in front of everyone all the time like an american flag.
So there. That's me. If being that way makes me a horrible person then so be it. Nail me to the cross and tell me I'm a horrible person because I like to keep things I like close to me for a while.
Just don't cast that stone until you've checked yourself.
I'm learning things that I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night James told me some things that pretty much shocked me. I got really upset. And I could do nothing but cry.
I'm not going to say what he told me because that would be betraying his privacy but it got me thinking.
He also told me that all he wanted was for me to be myself. In between sobs, I choked out an " I'm trying. "
He doesn't understand that I've had to change a lot of who I am and how I do things for this relationship. They aren't bad things but they're just... not what I'm used to.
I've shown him different aspects of who I am and they've been crippled and put away because they couldn't be handled.
So I'm still being myself just slightly modified.
I have a lot of questions I need to ask him. I have a lot of things I need to think about.
And I want to know this. What's wrong with being possessive? What's wrong with wanting to keep something wonderful to yourself and being selfish for a little while? I don't want it forever. I just want it and know that it's mine just for a small amount of time?
Everyone acts like being possessive is like some horrible crime.
Here's a little insight into me. I'm possessive in the beginning of ALL my relationships. That's how I feel out what the situation is and whether or not the person is going to stick around. And if it's something I want to invest my time and energy into.
After I've gotten comfortable I back wayyyy off. I let the person have their freedom and space. I just need a comfort level to be achieved before I can be secure. It's just who I am.
Yes. I'm needy. Yes. I love attention. Yes I'm a lot of things.
But A. I can admit to that.
B. I know my limits and what I'm capable of.
C. I'm flexible on certain things.
D. I'm not here to control anyone or be anyone's mother. I'm a person too. I have my own life. I have things I do on my own. But I do like to know the details of a situation before I retract my claws and fangs and the hair on my back goes back down. I like to be secure.
Too many things in my life have been or are just way too up in the air. And I cannot handle that. Yes. That stems from childhood issues. But I'm an adult now and I make my own decisions and that what I need. Stability and security.
So before you judge. Before you bad mouth anything to James. Before any of that is done. Just please bear in mind that I'm not perfect. And I know this. No one is perfect. And we all have our issues. I just don't choose to wave them in front of everyone all the time like an american flag.
So there. That's me. If being that way makes me a horrible person then so be it. Nail me to the cross and tell me I'm a horrible person because I like to keep things I like close to me for a while.
Just don't cast that stone until you've checked yourself.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-09 05:30 pm (UTC)People. Don't. Change.
But now you're trying to change yourself? Jessica, where do you stand? You do this all the freaking time, you say one thing and then you go back on it soon after! You need to be firm on what you stand for, because nobody's going to take you seriously if you keep doing shit like that.
And don't hang on to James because you are desperate for a stable relationship, which I know you are. It sounds like some headgames are going on and you don't need that. I'm so tired of hearing/reading about you crying, you need to put your foot down and decide when this must stop.
Good luck to you!