It's time.

I've made my decision.

It will be hard. I know this. But it's something I have to ultimately do for me. I can't feel this pain anymore. I just can't. It's tearing me apart and as strong as I claim to be over and over people who know me are calling me a liar.

All I ever wanted was just for everything to be simple. But it didn't happen that way. So now. I make it that way.

Last night was part of that process. And I'm glad it happened.

Thanks Chris.

So. It begins.

Please wish me luck everyone. Because this time. I won't lie and say I'm strong. I already feel myself having second thoughts.

I will not be broken again.

But I will heal.

I owe a thanks to all of my friends who've join in a consensus to go from a dull murmur to a screaming in my face of logic.

Please don't stop screaming. Not for a while at least. I need to believe what I'm doing is right. Even if it hurts just as much had I made the other decision.

Existence of all that is painful must be forgotten.

Please don't let me sabotage myself.

My decision.. the explination.

My decision is this. I have decided to push james out of my life completely.

Even if I don't let them affect me. The things he says about this new " interest " of his are hurtful.

I'm beating myself up emotionally trying to figure out why her and not me.

I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

I don't NEED James in my life anymore.

He offers nothing positive to me and I can't keep killing myself to try to get his approval.

It's upsetting me to write this because I know how hard it's going to be for me.

How I will actually have to, for the first time in my life, use self control to not speak to someone.

I'll need my friends as I deal with this and I thank you guys in advance.

I feel like I'm breaking an addiction. Because that's what James is. An addiction.

And I'm starting to doubt my own willpower.

So. Just please. If I start to talk to you and I sound crazy. Just please be there for me.

Thank you.

Stuff I needs to be a-doin today :)

Finish figuring what damn classes I'm taking :) Obviously Aikido didn't work out... :: innocent whistle ::

Ok. Before you kill me Ryan and Erika. Lemme explain something. If I took that class I'd be going to school 7 days a week!! And you CANNOT learn a martial art by only training for one day a week. You just can't!! Martial arts is about repetition. :) I love you both dearly for pushing me but I'll have to wait til next semester for that madness :)

I need to take more substance classes just because I am not getting any units and I'm taking a buttload ( YES! A BUTTLOAD!!) of classes. So I gotta refigure out what the hell I'm gonna do :)

Next.

I'm gonna do some reading. The Ethical Slut to be precise :) I've been neglecting it... bad Jessica! :: spank :: ( Ooo... ) :)

Prolly take a nap cuz I only got like freakin 5 hours of sleep last night!!! :: glares at people responsible :: I'm soooooo blaming you!! :) Alright fine. So maybe if I'd just shut up and gone to sleep I would have gotten more sleep. But I like to talk damnit!!! :)

Annnnnnnd... prolly gonna hang out with the Almighty Sewing Goddess.... JOHANNA! :) :: crowd cheers... roses thrown :: ( AY! WHO THE FUCK LET THE TOREADOR IN HERE?!?! WHO THREW THAT!! :: toreador run away shrieking :: Pft. Dorks. :) )

Damn. I'm in a mood today :) And ya know what? I like it. So fuck you :) hehe...

Anyyyyyyyyywayyysssssss.... Since I am only sitting here in a damn towel I suppose I'd better get to steppin' and get my ass into gear. :) So. AWAY I GO!!!!

" Ya got me feelin' hella good so let's just keep on dancin'.... " - No doubt

:: dances away ::

P.s.

Ryan. Que es el dealio con Orpheus? ( Try to get google to decipher that mess :) )

Naw... REALLY?!

My horoscope:

You might want to withdraw from your outward activities now, but this doesn't mean you want to be alone. You have a lot of emotions that are coming to the surface and they can initiate sparks in your romantic life. Feelings can deepen. Physical desire becomes strong. But this doesn't mean you want to go out and party. You are feeling more serious now and you just may not want to waste all your creative juices on meaningless activities.

Living by the moment...

(  Dust.  )

WORLD DOMINATION!!!

So yes :) Busy busy day....

Went and picked up my things from walnut creek.

Came home.

Went over to Johanna's all afternoon/evening.

And watched House of Cards/ate pizza/had girl talk/etc.

It was fun :)

Came back home and played Bill in yahoo Dominoes for world domination.

AND I WON!!!!

I HAVE ACHIEVED WORLD DOMINATION!!

YAY!!