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awesomesproutI know I know... I just had to vent and I had no where else to do it and no one to do it to. I went with what I know.
It seems like I can do nothing in my life without a fight.
Let's start at the bottom and work our way up.
My style of dressing:
My grandmother DETESTS the way I dress. She's ALWAYS hated the way I dress. She makes comments. Pulls my shirts down. DRIVES ME CRAZY!! She used to throw away my clothes that I bought with MY own money just because she didn't like them. We don't even go clothes shopping anymore because by the time we're done we're ready to kill eachother. Now. I have an interview tomorrow and she's bitching because the outfit I bought because SHE wanted me to have a good interview outfit isn't good enough now. Law firm or not it's a fucking fine outfit. She just hung up on me on the phone because I told her it was a suitable outfit. God that pisses me off.
My car was a fight. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE told me not to get it. People I loved and who loved me especially. They told me I never COULD do it. I did. The day I bought my car I cried. I didn't cry because I was happy.. I cried because everyone made me felt like I had done something wrong. That because I'd gotten what I wanted it was wrong. I felt like accomplishing my goal was a bad thing.
My pets were a fight from day one. I fought with my ex to get them. I love pets. I ALWAYS have at least 2 pets at a time. It's who I am. Right now, I have a cat and a cockatiel being fostered by my aunt that's waiting for me that belonged to my dad. I fought to keep them and lost. All because people in my family don't like cats. And god forbid I'd raised them like my children since they were 8 weeks old. Once again. I felt like getting what I wanted was wrong and that I was a bad person for doing it.
My weight has been a fight everyday since I was about 11 or 12. My grandmother cannot go a day without making a comment about my weight. DO YOU NOT THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE? Do you honestly believe I don't look in the mirror everyday and see something I'm not? I'm overweight! I know this. I've been overweight since I was a kid. Why? Because when I was a kid you gave me food everytime I was upset or depresed or whatever. So I became addicted to food! Gee. Look at that. See. It's taken me a long time but I have finally ACCEPTED how I look. I am comfortable with my body and if you have a problem with it.. Tooo bad. When I want to lose weight. I will. When I set my mind to something, I do it.
My relationship is a fight. I swear.. I can't just meet someone and be happy. No. That just doesn't work for me. People ALWAYS have to try to go after more and more. It's like fuck. Just because you aren't happy with your life and your situation you have to come and destroy mine. You have to go after what other people have. I can never get something without a problem. I can never just have my little slice of interrupted happiness. Yah. I'm happy now but at what cost have I'd to endure to get it? That's my point exactly.
Little things make me happy and when my world gets poked, prodded, and fucked with I get uncomfortable and I get angry.
" I can stop the pain if I will it all away... Don't turn away ( Don't give into the pain ) " - Evanescence
A lot of things in my life have been given to me. A lot of them I've worked hard for. Just once, I don't want someone to try to take my newfound happiness away.
So what's gonna happen next huh? I get this job tomorrow and like what then... Some competitive bitch inside the firm is going to try to get me fired? Yah. Wouldn't doubt it. ARGGGG!! This is so frustrating... ARG!
I love you james... I miss you. Come home soon and come home safely. It's hard with you being this far away. And not knowing when you're gonna be back makes me worry. I'll be home all night tonight.. call me... :: kiss ::
It seems like I can do nothing in my life without a fight.
Let's start at the bottom and work our way up.
My style of dressing:
My grandmother DETESTS the way I dress. She's ALWAYS hated the way I dress. She makes comments. Pulls my shirts down. DRIVES ME CRAZY!! She used to throw away my clothes that I bought with MY own money just because she didn't like them. We don't even go clothes shopping anymore because by the time we're done we're ready to kill eachother. Now. I have an interview tomorrow and she's bitching because the outfit I bought because SHE wanted me to have a good interview outfit isn't good enough now. Law firm or not it's a fucking fine outfit. She just hung up on me on the phone because I told her it was a suitable outfit. God that pisses me off.
My car was a fight. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE told me not to get it. People I loved and who loved me especially. They told me I never COULD do it. I did. The day I bought my car I cried. I didn't cry because I was happy.. I cried because everyone made me felt like I had done something wrong. That because I'd gotten what I wanted it was wrong. I felt like accomplishing my goal was a bad thing.
My pets were a fight from day one. I fought with my ex to get them. I love pets. I ALWAYS have at least 2 pets at a time. It's who I am. Right now, I have a cat and a cockatiel being fostered by my aunt that's waiting for me that belonged to my dad. I fought to keep them and lost. All because people in my family don't like cats. And god forbid I'd raised them like my children since they were 8 weeks old. Once again. I felt like getting what I wanted was wrong and that I was a bad person for doing it.
My weight has been a fight everyday since I was about 11 or 12. My grandmother cannot go a day without making a comment about my weight. DO YOU NOT THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE? Do you honestly believe I don't look in the mirror everyday and see something I'm not? I'm overweight! I know this. I've been overweight since I was a kid. Why? Because when I was a kid you gave me food everytime I was upset or depresed or whatever. So I became addicted to food! Gee. Look at that. See. It's taken me a long time but I have finally ACCEPTED how I look. I am comfortable with my body and if you have a problem with it.. Tooo bad. When I want to lose weight. I will. When I set my mind to something, I do it.
My relationship is a fight. I swear.. I can't just meet someone and be happy. No. That just doesn't work for me. People ALWAYS have to try to go after more and more. It's like fuck. Just because you aren't happy with your life and your situation you have to come and destroy mine. You have to go after what other people have. I can never get something without a problem. I can never just have my little slice of interrupted happiness. Yah. I'm happy now but at what cost have I'd to endure to get it? That's my point exactly.
Little things make me happy and when my world gets poked, prodded, and fucked with I get uncomfortable and I get angry.
" I can stop the pain if I will it all away... Don't turn away ( Don't give into the pain ) " - Evanescence
A lot of things in my life have been given to me. A lot of them I've worked hard for. Just once, I don't want someone to try to take my newfound happiness away.
So what's gonna happen next huh? I get this job tomorrow and like what then... Some competitive bitch inside the firm is going to try to get me fired? Yah. Wouldn't doubt it. ARGGGG!! This is so frustrating... ARG!
I love you james... I miss you. Come home soon and come home safely. It's hard with you being this far away. And not knowing when you're gonna be back makes me worry. I'll be home all night tonight.. call me... :: kiss ::
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-22 01:58 pm (UTC)You dress just fine. Interviewing is all about first impressions - you need to dress better and more professionally than you would when you have the position. My grandfather always told me to wear a suit to ANY interview. "Boy, it don't matter if they want you to dig a ditch. You show up in a suit and show them you WANT the job." It's good advice.
Your car. I don't know what people have told you or not, so I'll jsut give my opinion. Leasing a car is generally a bad idea - ou have nothing when it's done. But you did, so enjoy it I guess. Financial strength comes from truth - living within your means. Being happy with what you really can have. Driving a phat car you can't afford is a lie. It's a lie to yourself, and you deserve truth form others and yourself, right? And it's not a lie that doesn't hurt you, it does. It prevents you from other oppurtunites and creates financial stress. My advice would be to buy your next car. So that's my piece there.
Weight. I think you look just fine, but it's really about your happiness. So I would say figure out if your happy or not, sounds like you are.
Relationship. i don't know enough here to give good advice. they are so complex, it's always hard.
So, I hope you don't think i'm attacking you or trying to take your happiness away, I am just trying to give you good advice.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-22 02:17 pm (UTC)"It's the little things that kill"
Date: 2003-10-22 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-22 08:00 pm (UTC)I know you're going through a tough time lately, and I just wanted to say for what its worth I'm keeping you in my thoughts, hoping everything is looking up for you asap. Take care.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-22 11:39 pm (UTC)