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awesomesproutSo at what point do I just say fuck it all? At what point do I draw the line? At what point am I finished? That's the point when I stop loving who I love.
I'm tired. I'm so tired I can't even sleep. I cry at night. I cry for various things. I cry because it's the point right before I go to bed that I'm my weakest and can't hold up that wall that I maintain oh so fucking well. Yah that's right boys and girls. Jessica's weak. God fucking forbid.
See people tell me that weakness is just being human. Everyone does it. Well shit, I must be alien cuz I sure as hell don't. Breaking down, is a sign of weakness. Not being able to take all that's punching you in the face in life and still smiling about it, is a sign of weakness. When I was going through my panic and anxiety disorder my family thought I was faking it. Because I showed weakness. They thought I was making it all up. They told me that it was bullshit and to suck it up and get back to work. It was because I was strong that I broke. I became weak.
I'm beginning to break again. Hairline cracks are forming and working themselves to the surface. I'm starting to ask myself more and more questions I don't want to hear. And I don't have answers for them. I'm forming a pattern in myself I really don't approve of.
I will no longer deal with this junior high bullshit drama. I'm putting my foot down. If I am challenged again I will not back down. Weakness is no longer an option. It's not who I was brought up to be and it is not something I am comfortable with.
First plan of action. Limit LJ usage to once a week. Then maybe just delete the whole thing all together. It really serves little purpose in my life except to occasionally amuse me and more often than not cause me anger and grief in my life.
Second plan of action. Get a hobby or join an interest group. I need to get the hell out of the house and around people. Being cooped up causes Jessica to overthink things and get frustrated and/or angry. I need more releases in my life. Limiting myself to the " Drive 90 mph down highway 4 blaring Trance and/or Angry Rap music " release isn't always going to work and isn't exactly safe or logical. Hell... sex is always a good release.
Third plan of action. Re-establish friendships with people I've been ignoring. I've been a bitch and have ignored the friends that I was associating with up until about 2 months ago. I was rude. And I'll be lucky if they accept me back. If they don't. I understand.
Fouth plan of action. Strengthen and maintain current friendships. 'Nuff said.
I'm losing control of my life and myself and I don't like that. My concerns are not where they should be and I'm losing focus on the goals I need to achieve to make ME who I need to be.
Well. No more LJ for me for a long while. Enjoy yourselves. Because if you don't... who else will? Be good.
I'm tired. I'm so tired I can't even sleep. I cry at night. I cry for various things. I cry because it's the point right before I go to bed that I'm my weakest and can't hold up that wall that I maintain oh so fucking well. Yah that's right boys and girls. Jessica's weak. God fucking forbid.
See people tell me that weakness is just being human. Everyone does it. Well shit, I must be alien cuz I sure as hell don't. Breaking down, is a sign of weakness. Not being able to take all that's punching you in the face in life and still smiling about it, is a sign of weakness. When I was going through my panic and anxiety disorder my family thought I was faking it. Because I showed weakness. They thought I was making it all up. They told me that it was bullshit and to suck it up and get back to work. It was because I was strong that I broke. I became weak.
I'm beginning to break again. Hairline cracks are forming and working themselves to the surface. I'm starting to ask myself more and more questions I don't want to hear. And I don't have answers for them. I'm forming a pattern in myself I really don't approve of.
I will no longer deal with this junior high bullshit drama. I'm putting my foot down. If I am challenged again I will not back down. Weakness is no longer an option. It's not who I was brought up to be and it is not something I am comfortable with.
First plan of action. Limit LJ usage to once a week. Then maybe just delete the whole thing all together. It really serves little purpose in my life except to occasionally amuse me and more often than not cause me anger and grief in my life.
Second plan of action. Get a hobby or join an interest group. I need to get the hell out of the house and around people. Being cooped up causes Jessica to overthink things and get frustrated and/or angry. I need more releases in my life. Limiting myself to the " Drive 90 mph down highway 4 blaring Trance and/or Angry Rap music " release isn't always going to work and isn't exactly safe or logical. Hell... sex is always a good release.
Third plan of action. Re-establish friendships with people I've been ignoring. I've been a bitch and have ignored the friends that I was associating with up until about 2 months ago. I was rude. And I'll be lucky if they accept me back. If they don't. I understand.
Fouth plan of action. Strengthen and maintain current friendships. 'Nuff said.
I'm losing control of my life and myself and I don't like that. My concerns are not where they should be and I'm losing focus on the goals I need to achieve to make ME who I need to be.
Well. No more LJ for me for a long while. Enjoy yourselves. Because if you don't... who else will? Be good.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-17 09:57 am (UTC)Gonna miss you!
no subject
Date: 2003-10-18 12:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-23 12:19 pm (UTC);)