awesomesprout

So I was reading some of my older journal entries. And I've learned that I've come along way in the last two or so years. It's passed by quicker than I'm comfortable with and it's making me want to slow down. I miss having my own place. I miss the freedom my job offered me. I miss the fun I had living with Allen. I miss when things were so new. Now I look at myself.

I'm living with my grandmother. My car just isn't the same to me anymore. I have no boyfriend or anyone to call " mine. " I've had to give up a few of my possessions. I have far fewer friends. But I do have more motivation and stamina for life and getting things done than I did before. Which is good and I hope that can pass that off to people who need it.

There are some things emotionally that I'm finding are coming back to haunt me. I'm developing my " there's a guy I'm totally into so I'm gonna bypass all my standards and morals and succumb to my giggly I don't care side " and it's really frustrating me. What I mean by this is when I meet a guy and some part of me has to be kept locked up due to certain situations or feelings between me and the other person. I tend to ignore my rational and responsible sides and I just become a spontaneous go with the flow type of person. I ignore the things that make me unhappy and continue to try to go with the flow and keep a positive outlook. Then something will happen and it'll end. then I'm crushed. And I don't even realise what had happened until it's over and someone brings it to my attention. For example. I had an ex named Austin. We started off good. We were happy.. but then he started becoming more and more distant. He used to constantly insult me. Call me names. Make fun of me. Etc.etc. And I was too into him to even realise he could have a bad side. I was blinded by my own wants and needs and I was too afraid to lose my happiness.. So I took the insults and the potshots. Then it happened. We were together like 3 months and he dumped me on a street corner. He told me that he didn't love me. He told me that I was annoying. He told me to leave him alone. I was shocked. I just stood there. Crying. Then he just walked off and acted like nothing had happened.

Later on. The friend who was with me when it had happened questioned me. He asked why I never said anything about Austin's insults and jokes at my expense. I had no idea what my friend was talking about. He said that he'd witnessed first hand every time all of us hung out, me getting insulted. And he was just shocked that I, Jessica, Queen of Take No One's shit, Miss Look at me again and I'll bust your lip, would sit there and be insulted with no retaliation. I told him it was because I was blind. I was too busy trying to keep things perfect. And trying to keep things going. There was nothing to keep going. I was so stupid.

And now. I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's going to happen again. I won't let it. Not this time. And at this point. I think DMX said it best- " I don't know who the fuck you think you're talkin' to, Cuz I ain't them aight so you better watch what you do. "

Things to be discussed and things need to change. And I'm not gonna sit by and be quiet this time.