sigh.

[awesomesprout]

So yes. There's one word that describes my life and how I'm feeling right now.

Fuck.

Let's break this down shall we?

First. I'm FUCKed. I have no job. I have little to no money. And I'm not whining because I know I have some control over this situation. I could go out and get myself a job. But I cannot FORCE people to hire me. I can only go so far as to put out applications and such. and if I don't get a job in the next couple of weeks my grandmother is taking my car, my computer, and kicking me to the curb.

Second, I'm FUCKing tired. I'm tired of a lot of things. I don't want to go into details about that because A. people whom it concerns read this journal and if it's something that needs to be discussed I will discuss it with them in person. and B. I'm attempting to learn how to deal with it. I just hope that it works out for the better and not the worse.

Third. I want to FUCK. Ok well. Maybe not like full on hot monkey sex but dood. I'm gettin seriously ansy. I don't want a fling. I'm over that stage in my life. There was a time in my life where when asked about the things that had happened... I will immediately begin to cry and I'm unable stop for a while because I thought that I could deal with the flings. The coldness. The lack of love. The lack of feeling. The lack of emotion. I thought that's what I wanted. I thought that's what would make me happy. Not feeling. Because if there was no emotion there in the first place there was no way I could get hurt later on. Yah. Go me and mah bad self. Well I was wrong. I'm emotionally scarred from that shit. And it's going to take a long time for me to heal.

and finally. Fourth. I don't know what the FUCK I want anymore. I need to seriously sit down and plan out my life. My future. My existance in this world. I hate planning shit like that but it needs to be done or else I'm not going anywhere. And I need to figure out love-wise what I want. What do I really want? What do I want to commit myself to? What do I want committed to me? Well... I don't know. Maybe for once I will just go with the flow. I'll bring forth a new me and end all my jealousy and my petty shit that I've dragged along with me like emotional baggage. I'm just scared. Can you understand that? Can you keep me safe at night? I'm not an easy person to love but the love I give in return is unconditional and forever. I will NEVER leave. Just be gentle. Because if you hurt me... I'll kill you.


Fuck.

Comments

[27outs.livejournal.com]

I think you'll be ok in the end. You're smart enough to make it, you just need a call back.

Good luck!