Some thoughts.

[awesomesprout]

At this point. If a status is to be given. Loren and I are dating and mono. The thought of being able to date other people is out there but it's more of a piece of mind sort of thing than an actual thing happening. We are pretty everything a commited bf/gf relationship entails except the title. I attribute this to him still dealing with the fact that Mariese still hasn't spoken to him in 3 weeks and upon stumbling on some information I shouldn't have looked at in the first place, I found out she's been cheating on him.

I can't imagine what it must feel like to deal with that. To be so in love with someone for 7 straight years. To do anything they ask. To make them feel like a queen. To only want them and to kill all other incoming chances just for that slim opportunity to be with that person. Then, to get the chance only to have them squash you like a bug in a matter of a few days. To have them cheat on you. To have them continue to tell you the same things they've been telling you for the last 7 years that they love you, and that you're the world to them, and then to find out by also stumbling on some information that they've cheated on you. And that they're telling their family members about this new guy.

Wow James, you were right. " I need my space. " Translated to: Meet my new European boyfriend.

Crazy shit. I'd have a total breakdown. I think he's just in denial and totally numb and keeps thinking that it'll all just go back to what it was. And that she'll just pick up the phone and call him or e-mail him and it'll be like nothing ever happened.

I told him he needs to just accept. Work through it. And move on.

He deserves to be treated better than this. And she deserves to contract some European only STD and become sterile or die.

But that's just me.

:)

So we're taking it slow and I understand it's going to take time for him to move on. So I'm being patient. Though I have issued a bit of a request that he start thinking about whether or not he wants a commited relationship with me in the future because in Jan. I'm going to start going to school again and I'm not stopping until the day I receive my Masters Degree. And because of that I won't have much time to spend with people and if he wants to be a part of my life I'll need to know he's gonna be around for a while or else I'll have to keep my spare time open for studying.


Also, as of late I've started getting all psycho again. Being jealous and paranoid. So I stopped and looked at what I was doing. He and I had a few long talks and I've worked through it. I was getting pent up because I'd gotten no words from him of reassurance and I needed that. So he finally told me not to worry and that even though he's indecisive for the big C word that he's mono with me and that he is comfortable with the title of dating.

I told him that it meant a lot to me that he said that finally and I eased up. I also admitted to finding that information I mentioned above and I told him that I shouldn't have done that and that I was going to back off and stay out of private things and give him space. I've been clingy and nitpicky lately and applying a lot of unneeded pressure and that it wasn't getting me or us anywhere.

So I'm going back to my happy-place. Accepting things as they are now. And backing off.

So anyways that's where we're at. For those of you who've asked.

Also, my birthday is approaching. It's on the 26th. The day after Thanksgiving this year. And that's hard for me. My birthday has always been hard for me. It's so close to Thanksgiving that I can never plan anything so I usually spend it doing nothing and cursing my parents for having sex when they did.

And this year ALL of my family is gone so I have no one to spend thanksgiving with. Loren's going to be in So Cal.... my family's in texas or the east coast. All my friends have their family things. It's really depressing to think about. I've ALWAYS spent thanksgiving with my family ( with the exception of last year) and now I feel really alone.

And the way things are going in my friend's lives I almost feel bad asking to make plans. Everyone's having a hard time and I feel like I'd be a burden if I tried to get people to go do something or have a party or whatnot.

Plus, in all honesty. This is the first time in my life I've ever had the same friends for this long. And growing up I've always had these fantasies of the type of birthday I'd like to have. And because I never had close friends or had friends for long amounts of time the things I wanted to do never happened. Like, I 've ALWAYS wanted a surprise party. ALWAYS. It's the one thing I've only ever wanted. But it could never happen becuase of the timing of my birthday. Or because I didn't have enough friends or friends that were close enough that they could plan something like that.

And I've been the planner of some and it's always been something I've loved.

But anyways, thats just me whining again.

So yah...

That's just some stuff I wanted to get out. Today I've got some minor cleaning I'm going to do. Have dinner with Loren. And get ready for work tomorrow.

Comments

Re: big comment sorry!

[sproutchk.livejournal.com]

Heheh, thanks hun :)