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Things continue rapidly in my life. It's kind of freaking me out and pushing my comfort zones.
I've spent the last month trying to get my life organized and orderly and then school started and I'm back to even the most basic of tasks getting pushed into, " Oh my god I have to finish EVERYTHING on the weekends!" mode.
Everything being laundry and such.
But. I am getting my homework done on time and without any problems.
And I haven't missed or been late to any classes.
I've been eating better too and all this running around is keeping me pretty active. I just need to work on getting more sleep. Ug.
I guess sometimes I get caught up in the chaos and forget that yes... I am doing this. And yes. I'm managing. And that I did this all on my own for the most part.
Every time I'm in class I still get this surreal feeling that it's not really happening.
Just because I went through so much crap to get here that I guess it hasn't fully sunken in yet that I accomplished something so huge.
I wish that with all this craziness going on that I didn't still think about Mike.
I find myself thinking about him in class if I zone out for a minute or when I'm driving somewhere. Or when there's a lull.
I still have dreams almost nightly about him.
I'm sure with time things will get better but I just hate how much I still feel hurt when I think everything that's happened over the last year.
And then I think about something else... I sit there and wonder if I'm really a bad person?
If I was wrong for wanting Mike to change and not continue treating me and other women the way he was?
If I was wrong for pushing him so hard to be a better person and to focus on taking care of himself?
I understand those were his choices to make and that my reactions were defense tactics to keep from getting hurt.
But it all still stings so much. And the feeling that it's all over... gone... just like that.
And also to feel like he probably doesn't even care or feel bad for any of it. And that he was right.
I know I'm not a bad person.... At least.. I think I know.
I have so much self-doubt even with all that I'm doing these days. There's so much about my school that I love but there's also this hidden pressure to be the greatest that no one really talks about.. but you can just feel it there.
I made a couple of new friends that I've been hanging out with a lot lately. Sammy and Blake. They're both really awesome. Blake went through a similar relationship situation and so it's kinda comforting to know that I'm not alone. And Sammy is really fun to just hang out with. They're roommates so we've formed this little triad friendship thing.
Oooo and they have a kitten! :) Her name is Polaris :) hehe :) * geekgeekgeek *
Yesterday, we had class together and then we went back to their place because they forgot the ping pong balls for our Ping Pong Tournament of Death! We ended up hanging out at their place for a minutes. ( Really nice house in berkeley. Hella expensive rent tho. Good lord. $2600! Eep. )
After that, we headed back to school and played a few quick rounds of ping pong. We found out that there was going to be a free concert in our main sound hall that night so we went and checked it out. It was a Filipino punk/something band. They were just setting up when we got there so we opted to check it out later after getting food.
We headed over to Rubio's for their Taco Tuesdays! and decided to go watch a movie. We saw Across the Universe ( my second time, yah! best movie! ) and we all loved it!
Back to school we went and ended up catching the last 30 seconds of the concert. It went something like this:
" :: really fast paced guitar and drums :: THANK YOU! :: lights come on :: "
Us: " Aw. Goddamnit! "
There's another show tonight but I dunno if I feel like checking it out or not. Hell, there's pretty much a free show every night at my school. Woot.
Alright well. I need to get back to my homework. I guess I'm just feeling bummed. I miss Mike. I'm not going to lie. And I miss the good times. I just still really feel like I'm in a state of shock after all that's happened and to realize that someone really did treat me that horridly.
Hope all is well with everyone.
I've spent the last month trying to get my life organized and orderly and then school started and I'm back to even the most basic of tasks getting pushed into, " Oh my god I have to finish EVERYTHING on the weekends!" mode.
Everything being laundry and such.
But. I am getting my homework done on time and without any problems.
And I haven't missed or been late to any classes.
I've been eating better too and all this running around is keeping me pretty active. I just need to work on getting more sleep. Ug.
I guess sometimes I get caught up in the chaos and forget that yes... I am doing this. And yes. I'm managing. And that I did this all on my own for the most part.
Every time I'm in class I still get this surreal feeling that it's not really happening.
Just because I went through so much crap to get here that I guess it hasn't fully sunken in yet that I accomplished something so huge.
I wish that with all this craziness going on that I didn't still think about Mike.
I find myself thinking about him in class if I zone out for a minute or when I'm driving somewhere. Or when there's a lull.
I still have dreams almost nightly about him.
I'm sure with time things will get better but I just hate how much I still feel hurt when I think everything that's happened over the last year.
And then I think about something else... I sit there and wonder if I'm really a bad person?
If I was wrong for wanting Mike to change and not continue treating me and other women the way he was?
If I was wrong for pushing him so hard to be a better person and to focus on taking care of himself?
I understand those were his choices to make and that my reactions were defense tactics to keep from getting hurt.
But it all still stings so much. And the feeling that it's all over... gone... just like that.
And also to feel like he probably doesn't even care or feel bad for any of it. And that he was right.
I know I'm not a bad person.... At least.. I think I know.
I have so much self-doubt even with all that I'm doing these days. There's so much about my school that I love but there's also this hidden pressure to be the greatest that no one really talks about.. but you can just feel it there.
I made a couple of new friends that I've been hanging out with a lot lately. Sammy and Blake. They're both really awesome. Blake went through a similar relationship situation and so it's kinda comforting to know that I'm not alone. And Sammy is really fun to just hang out with. They're roommates so we've formed this little triad friendship thing.
Oooo and they have a kitten! :) Her name is Polaris :) hehe :) * geekgeekgeek *
Yesterday, we had class together and then we went back to their place because they forgot the ping pong balls for our Ping Pong Tournament of Death! We ended up hanging out at their place for a minutes. ( Really nice house in berkeley. Hella expensive rent tho. Good lord. $2600! Eep. )
After that, we headed back to school and played a few quick rounds of ping pong. We found out that there was going to be a free concert in our main sound hall that night so we went and checked it out. It was a Filipino punk/something band. They were just setting up when we got there so we opted to check it out later after getting food.
We headed over to Rubio's for their Taco Tuesdays! and decided to go watch a movie. We saw Across the Universe ( my second time, yah! best movie! ) and we all loved it!
Back to school we went and ended up catching the last 30 seconds of the concert. It went something like this:
" :: really fast paced guitar and drums :: THANK YOU! :: lights come on :: "
Us: " Aw. Goddamnit! "
There's another show tonight but I dunno if I feel like checking it out or not. Hell, there's pretty much a free show every night at my school. Woot.
Alright well. I need to get back to my homework. I guess I'm just feeling bummed. I miss Mike. I'm not going to lie. And I miss the good times. I just still really feel like I'm in a state of shock after all that's happened and to realize that someone really did treat me that horridly.
Hope all is well with everyone.
