Sigh.

Ya know. Sometimes that whole growing old alone with a couple of cats thing doesn't really sound like that bad of an idea.

It's amazing how good and perfect things look on the outside but are so broken and torn on the inside.

Don't ask.

Just move along.

:: sighs and walks away.. head down ::

Few quick updates...

1. Sunday night I'm going out of town. I'm not saying where. I'm just going to go out of town. Shut my phone off and not talk to anyone except for the people I'm meeting when I get there. I'll be back tuesday. And no, Loren isn't going.

2. My grandma is now on her way back to Nevada to stay with my aunt for a couple more weeks and then back to Texas. While she was here she cleaned my apartment daily, bought me lots of food, left me money for gas, and for my co-pay for the doctors appointment I have tomorrow. I really appreciated the things she did for me and kept telling her to stop because I know she doesn't have the money. I tried to show my appreciation by cooking the meals and keeping the place clean.

3. I didn't have my mid-term today. It's been postponed until weds. Which is good because it will give me more time to study.

4. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Here's a little history on me. When I was a small child I was somehow traumatized by a nurse when I had to get one of my various childhood boosters. This happened when I was about 3. I don't know what she did. I don't know what happened. But from that point on I just couldn't get a shot without having a panic attack and at some points, passing out.

Now, I haven't been to the doctors in about 2 years due to lack of health coverage. And I know they're going to want to do blood work when I go to tomorrow. I'm fucking terrified. I've never had blood drawn. I've had an IV done 2 times in my life. The first time I was 5. The second time was a couple years ago when I got my wisdom teeth taken out.

I was doped up on laughing gas, valium, and other meds when I got my wisdom teeth out and they still had to wait before proceeding with the surgery because my heart rate was too fast from them putting the IV in. And the doctor who did the IV was great, I barely felt it. But it's just the act of having a needle put into my body that just stops me dead in my tracks. I turn cold. I get sick to my stomach. I get weak in the knees. Everything. And yes. Sometimes, I even pass out.

Now, it isn't the pain. I can stand pain. I LOVE tattoos. I like BDSM play. But it's the fact that it's not pain I want. It's not pain I have control over. It's a complete stranger about to cause me pain that I didn't ask for.

It's the anticipation. I do not deal with anticipation at all.

So on that note. If anyone is still reading this:

Anyone free tomorrow and want to come with me to my doctors appointment for moral support? It's at 10am at Kaiser Walnut Creek. I can drive. Even offer lunch.

Let me know.

Meh.

Loren just took a cat toy and lead the kitties over to his butt where he proceeded to fart.

That's mature.

:)