FUCK TEXAS. Just... fuck it.

So I'm not going to texas.

I have no problem with the state of texas. I have a problem with my godforsaken family.

I'm sick and tired of being treated like less than a human being by people who claim to love me.

Love my ass.

Love is not calling someone ( me ) every 20 minutes to tell me how I'm ruining everyone's life and what a failure I am.

Love is not telling me that if I move to Texas that I'm going to be watched continuously and if I don't PROVE that I'm working my ass off by someone else's standards I'm going to be treated like a solider in boot camp with my uncle being the drill sargeant.

I'm a fucking adult and I deserve nothing less than to be treated and respected as one.

If my family doesn't feel that I'm worthy enough for their " respect " then fuck them.

Let me give you a bit of history.

I'm not close to my family in any way shape or form. I'm close to few members. My grandma, cousin, etc.

They always only seem to interfere when it's conveniant to making themselves look good. Other than that, I hear nothing from them. Only when I'm doing something wrong do they suddenly appear.

These are the same people who one night sat me down in my grandmother's living room and spent 2 hours telling me a horrible, cold hearted, and selfish person I am and how they tell me these things because they think it's motivation and that they love me.

Fuck that.

Who needs enemies with family like that?

So at this point. I'm done.

I've given them plenty of chances to let them show me they're human. But this time. I'm done.

My aunt said this:

I don't know why I sit around worrying about you all the time and why I even bother picking up the phone to call you.

Me:

Well. Why do you bother?

My aunt:

Because you're my dead sister's daughter and I care about you and that's all I'm going to say. < click >


Because... I'm your dead sister's daughter? Not because I'm your niece.... or maybe your adopted daughter because you felt the need to take responsibility when my mom died when you SO didn't have the emotional capacity to take care of a child at that stage in your life?

Bitter? No.

I had a shitty childhood. Oh well. It's not my crutch.

So this is my new plan.

The new Jessica.

I'm going to get a kick ass job doing something *I* like to do. Not because I have to live up to other people's standards.

Then I'm going to move out and get my own place. Live alone. I hear crockett is cheap.

I haven't felt like I was in my own home since I lived with Allen.

I need that feeling of stability and reliance on myself again.

I told my grandma already that I'm not going to Texas and that I'm going to just do my own thing.

SO there you have it.

Wish me luck.

* If you want to know ALL the details of why I'm not moving I'll tell you privately.. too much to write here. ALso, it has nothing to do with Loren. *