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awesomesproutSo I can't sleep because I'm thinking too much.
I'm upset over something that happened earlier tonight.
My friends keep telling me how submissive I've become.
I do always feel like I'm the one compromising. That pisses me off.
I feel a lot of tension at work and I think I'm going to go off at my dick assistant sales manager tomorrow because of how rude he is to me and the customers.
I was supposed to go to Faith tonight with a group of friends but I cancelled on them to spend time with James. James cancelled on me 10 minutes before I was supposed to come over. He could have told me a lot sooner than that instead of waiting til I called him right before I was going to come over. So now it's 3am and he's still out with his cousin and her friend and I never got to go out because it was too late for me to make any plans when I got home. Shit like that. Pisses me off big time. And I'm fully sure I'll get shit from him for putting this in here but you know what. I'm tired of sitting by and always looking the like the bad guy even though I know I'm not.
I had a thought come to me as I was lying there in bed staring at the ceiling. It was of me driving up to the location of James' surprise, alone. I was going alone because James wouldn't call in sick for me even though he had plenty of notice and didn't think of how much work I'd put into this. So I'm driving and then I run out of gas. And I'm stranded at some remote gas station somewhere and he's the only person I can call for help. And he tells me he can't do it. And the last thing I say before I hang up the phone is.. " I would have done it for you. " Maybe I'm feeling like I get treated less than everyone else in his world. I feel like he'd do things for other people that he wouldn't do for me no matter how much more important they may be. He called in sick to work for friday so he could hang out with his cousin. He said he wouldn't take time off for my surprise. So now. I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm going to put all this work and time and money into this thing and he won't even go. That upsets me more than I can say right now.
I'm very much a night person. I'm a cat. A creature of the night. I come alive at night. I think more clearly at night. I function better at night. And that's why I'm having all these thoughts because my brain refuses to listen to me when I tell it to shut up this time.
I just don't feel like I'm all that important anymore....
Now. I'm only gonna ask this once and I'm going to ask this very nicely. Please do not say negative things about James about what I've written, to me or to james or in my comments. This was just more something I needed to get out for myself. A release of an overabundance of thoughts and ideas. James is not a bad guy. And I'm not some helpless victim. So I want no negativity. If you have any thoughts share them but keep my feelings and his in mind if you write them. This isn't about our relationship it's just how I feel as a person right now.
Thank you.
I'm upset over something that happened earlier tonight.
My friends keep telling me how submissive I've become.
I do always feel like I'm the one compromising. That pisses me off.
I feel a lot of tension at work and I think I'm going to go off at my dick assistant sales manager tomorrow because of how rude he is to me and the customers.
I was supposed to go to Faith tonight with a group of friends but I cancelled on them to spend time with James. James cancelled on me 10 minutes before I was supposed to come over. He could have told me a lot sooner than that instead of waiting til I called him right before I was going to come over. So now it's 3am and he's still out with his cousin and her friend and I never got to go out because it was too late for me to make any plans when I got home. Shit like that. Pisses me off big time. And I'm fully sure I'll get shit from him for putting this in here but you know what. I'm tired of sitting by and always looking the like the bad guy even though I know I'm not.
I had a thought come to me as I was lying there in bed staring at the ceiling. It was of me driving up to the location of James' surprise, alone. I was going alone because James wouldn't call in sick for me even though he had plenty of notice and didn't think of how much work I'd put into this. So I'm driving and then I run out of gas. And I'm stranded at some remote gas station somewhere and he's the only person I can call for help. And he tells me he can't do it. And the last thing I say before I hang up the phone is.. " I would have done it for you. " Maybe I'm feeling like I get treated less than everyone else in his world. I feel like he'd do things for other people that he wouldn't do for me no matter how much more important they may be. He called in sick to work for friday so he could hang out with his cousin. He said he wouldn't take time off for my surprise. So now. I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm going to put all this work and time and money into this thing and he won't even go. That upsets me more than I can say right now.
I'm very much a night person. I'm a cat. A creature of the night. I come alive at night. I think more clearly at night. I function better at night. And that's why I'm having all these thoughts because my brain refuses to listen to me when I tell it to shut up this time.
I just don't feel like I'm all that important anymore....
Now. I'm only gonna ask this once and I'm going to ask this very nicely. Please do not say negative things about James about what I've written, to me or to james or in my comments. This was just more something I needed to get out for myself. A release of an overabundance of thoughts and ideas. James is not a bad guy. And I'm not some helpless victim. So I want no negativity. If you have any thoughts share them but keep my feelings and his in mind if you write them. This isn't about our relationship it's just how I feel as a person right now.
Thank you.
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-19 04:26 am (UTC)Jessica, you need to take care of you. You need to get your needs met. You need to communicate your requirements and see that they get met. Communicate what is unacceptable, draw boundaries, and stick to them. Do not do it *to* James. Do it *for* you. Compromise is a two way street. Make sure that you are not the one doing all the giving. Be fair to you. (Which is not the same as saying he's doing all the taking, you dig?)
Nothing you have said has the slightest to do with who is a bad guy. Feelings seldom do. If something makes you feel unacceptable, you need to make sure that that is communicated. If there is no acknowledgement of your feelings and/or no compromise to help, then a renegotiation is in order.
But hey, if you're okay with these sorts of feelings, then don't worry about it.
Nothing to do with James....everything to do with you.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-19 10:58 am (UTC)but then again, i understand your perspective. it sucks to feel unimportant.if you do not want that anymore you have got to talk to him and state what it is you'd like to change.
feeling unwanted sucks. i definitely feel you on this one. but that's a part of the deal, if something is making you feel horrible, talk baout it. let him know what it is. you might find that things go better for it.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-19 06:25 pm (UTC)