awesomesprout (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
awesomesprout) wrote2003-11-03 03:43 pm
awesomesprout) wrote2003-11-03 03:43 pm
Here's something to think about.
So James keeps asking me. " How are you? Are you ok? "
Let's face it. I feel like shit. No wait. I feel worse than shit. I feel like I have been kicked in the face repeatedly with a steel-toed boot. And left for dead. But the worst part is, I won't die. I have to sit there and suffer through all the agonizing pain.
Death. Is a privelage.
So what do I tell him when he asks me?
" I'm alive. "
That's the only answer I ever give. Nothing more. Nothing less. I can take a LOT of shit people. And I'm probably more emotionally strong than most. But fuck. Even * I * am gonna take some time to heal from the last 3 days.
He said he feels like our relationship is stronger. That WE are stronger. Why? Because we didn't run. We didn't just say " fuck it " and take the easy way out.
I forgot how much working for something SUCKS.
There's 3 questions I've thought about in my head ever since I was a child.
" If I died right now, how would people find out? And who would come to my funeral? What would they say about me when they showed up? "
It sucks that people don't ever say the nice things until it's too late.
You know right now. The only thing that would complete my misery? Death. All I need right now to be pushed over the breaking point would be to find out someone I know has died. That's it.
I don't even like talking anymore because I fear that I'm going to just shatter at any moment. Fuck I can't even talk without crying.
So I'm silent. My tears. Are silent. I'm crying right now as I type this.
I have been cut down to nothing. I am vulnerable. I am weak. I am an open wound who's had more salt thrown on me than there is salt in the sea. I am so broken I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I almost wish I were dead. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. Hell. I've already outlived my mother by about.. oh... 4 months. But oh man. Lucky I was blessed with her ever so positive way of thinking.
Yah did you guys know that? My mom killed herself when I was 5. OVER A GUY of all things. Needy people are unstable. Irrational. Hasty.
She found out that the man she loved didn't love her the same way and thought that the best way to show him how much she needed him was to get " sick. " That way he would come back and take care of her the way she wanted him to. She wanted him to chase after her.
So. She took an overdose of diet pills. Basically the 1986 equivalent of Metabolife. I was born in Texas. She sent me to California to visit my family for my grandma's birthday. She called my grandmother on her birthday at about 2am. My mom told her everything. And that she thought what she was doing was right and that she didn't want anyone's help or advice. And ended the call with. " Tell Jessie, I love her. " < click >
My grandmother called the ER in my mom's area in Texas and they rushed an ambulance to her apartment. My mom wouldn't open the door. When they got inside. She collapsed. Pronounced DOA. I was 5. It was my grandmother's birthday.
so there. there you have it. The story that has stemmed the way I make decisions in my life. I trust VERY FEW people. I like even less women/girls. I don't trust because the one person who I was SUPPOSED to trust above anyone else took the selfish way out. I don't like women/girls because women are the only people in my life who have ever HURT or HARMED me. I can deal with pain like a breakup or something like that from guys. But oh no. Women are evil. Women dig their claws into and don't let go until they've gotten all that they want.
The women I DO like are few and far between. They are my friends after much consideration and thought. I do not view them as a threat to my life and they have shown me that I can call them a friend. Still doesn't mean I trust them. Trust comes on a lot of different levels for me.
Hell I don't even trust James yet. Sure I trust him to drive my car and to cook meat all the way when making dinner. But I don't trust him with my heart and everlasting self yet. That takes time, work, and proof. And he feels the same way towards me.
He and I, as much as we fight, snipe, snap, and push are not that different from eachother. In the way we think. The way we feel. The way we do things. We just didn't realise it until last night.
So I'm shutting down my train of thought before I turn this into a 50 page thesis. But I will say this. Be careful with me right now. I'm like a hermit crab changing shells and whatever you may do to me now. Be it bad or good I will remember it and will act on it accordingly when I'm stronger.
Kind of like when you go to the dentist to get a cavity filled. They numb your mouth. You bite your tongue. It doesn't hurt at that moment but later on you feel it 10 fold.
I love you James. I really, really do. And no, I'm not going to run away this time. I'm not like other people anymore. When it gets to a point that I don't like what's going on, it won't matter. I'll stick it out. I will not cross my arms and walk away from it. I told you as long as I was in control of my body and my mind I would never leave you. No matter what. and I've shown you I mean that.
Let's face it. I feel like shit. No wait. I feel worse than shit. I feel like I have been kicked in the face repeatedly with a steel-toed boot. And left for dead. But the worst part is, I won't die. I have to sit there and suffer through all the agonizing pain.
Death. Is a privelage.
So what do I tell him when he asks me?
" I'm alive. "
That's the only answer I ever give. Nothing more. Nothing less. I can take a LOT of shit people. And I'm probably more emotionally strong than most. But fuck. Even * I * am gonna take some time to heal from the last 3 days.
He said he feels like our relationship is stronger. That WE are stronger. Why? Because we didn't run. We didn't just say " fuck it " and take the easy way out.
I forgot how much working for something SUCKS.
There's 3 questions I've thought about in my head ever since I was a child.
" If I died right now, how would people find out? And who would come to my funeral? What would they say about me when they showed up? "
It sucks that people don't ever say the nice things until it's too late.
You know right now. The only thing that would complete my misery? Death. All I need right now to be pushed over the breaking point would be to find out someone I know has died. That's it.
I don't even like talking anymore because I fear that I'm going to just shatter at any moment. Fuck I can't even talk without crying.
So I'm silent. My tears. Are silent. I'm crying right now as I type this.
I have been cut down to nothing. I am vulnerable. I am weak. I am an open wound who's had more salt thrown on me than there is salt in the sea. I am so broken I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I almost wish I were dead. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. Hell. I've already outlived my mother by about.. oh... 4 months. But oh man. Lucky I was blessed with her ever so positive way of thinking.
Yah did you guys know that? My mom killed herself when I was 5. OVER A GUY of all things. Needy people are unstable. Irrational. Hasty.
She found out that the man she loved didn't love her the same way and thought that the best way to show him how much she needed him was to get " sick. " That way he would come back and take care of her the way she wanted him to. She wanted him to chase after her.
So. She took an overdose of diet pills. Basically the 1986 equivalent of Metabolife. I was born in Texas. She sent me to California to visit my family for my grandma's birthday. She called my grandmother on her birthday at about 2am. My mom told her everything. And that she thought what she was doing was right and that she didn't want anyone's help or advice. And ended the call with. " Tell Jessie, I love her. " < click >
My grandmother called the ER in my mom's area in Texas and they rushed an ambulance to her apartment. My mom wouldn't open the door. When they got inside. She collapsed. Pronounced DOA. I was 5. It was my grandmother's birthday.
so there. there you have it. The story that has stemmed the way I make decisions in my life. I trust VERY FEW people. I like even less women/girls. I don't trust because the one person who I was SUPPOSED to trust above anyone else took the selfish way out. I don't like women/girls because women are the only people in my life who have ever HURT or HARMED me. I can deal with pain like a breakup or something like that from guys. But oh no. Women are evil. Women dig their claws into and don't let go until they've gotten all that they want.
The women I DO like are few and far between. They are my friends after much consideration and thought. I do not view them as a threat to my life and they have shown me that I can call them a friend. Still doesn't mean I trust them. Trust comes on a lot of different levels for me.
Hell I don't even trust James yet. Sure I trust him to drive my car and to cook meat all the way when making dinner. But I don't trust him with my heart and everlasting self yet. That takes time, work, and proof. And he feels the same way towards me.
He and I, as much as we fight, snipe, snap, and push are not that different from eachother. In the way we think. The way we feel. The way we do things. We just didn't realise it until last night.
So I'm shutting down my train of thought before I turn this into a 50 page thesis. But I will say this. Be careful with me right now. I'm like a hermit crab changing shells and whatever you may do to me now. Be it bad or good I will remember it and will act on it accordingly when I'm stronger.
Kind of like when you go to the dentist to get a cavity filled. They numb your mouth. You bite your tongue. It doesn't hurt at that moment but later on you feel it 10 fold.
I love you James. I really, really do. And no, I'm not going to run away this time. I'm not like other people anymore. When it gets to a point that I don't like what's going on, it won't matter. I'll stick it out. I will not cross my arms and walk away from it. I told you as long as I was in control of my body and my mind I would never leave you. No matter what. and I've shown you I mean that.
Actually, I think of death not by one's own hand as an acheivement.