Selling myself.

I go to a school that is competitive by nature. Lately, I've taken on this persona where, much like everyone at school, I feel this constant need to one up.

I find myself doing it with friends and getting reminded that I don't need to sell myself all the time.

I guess. Stupidly enough, I also have that habit from past relationships and not feeling like my qualities were appreciated or even noticed most of the time.

And yet, on a deeper level. If I really think about it, I think that I do it almost to convince myself too.

I have little faith in my abilities. Especially when it comes to this school. I'm surround by talent and greatness and have a hard time finding anything nearly as cool to compete with.

I'm feeling very closed off and reclusive. I'm angry about things and angry about my situation. I HATE that even as I'm sitting here, I'm wondering whether or not, when I go home, if I'm going to be locked out. :(

I feel invisible. I'm constantly screaming within myself... " Look at me! Look how awesome I am! I'm a geek! Look at all the cool shit I'm into that most girls aren't! I play video games! I like cars! I think computers are sexy! I don't look horrible in a dress! " ARG!

Without sounding egotistical... I ask. I'm fucking awesome. I'm a goddamn badass. Who wouldn't want me?

But you know what? That question gets answered every day.

And that's suck part.

That constant reminder of where you stand.

I'm fucking lonely.

Always. Fucking. Lonely.

I don't NEED someone to be happy. I know that. I don't NEED another person to feel good about myself.

But I do want someone. And I'd like to have someone that I feel like tries at least as hard as I do in my pursuit of them to pursue me.

I don't want pity.

I just want to say what I have to say and go back to what I was doing.

It's just really nice to feel wanted and to not feel like you always have to compete or wait or struggle or whatever the case may be.

Maybe I'm just still bitter from Valentine's Day.

Fuckit.

I give up.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Right?

Also.

On a slightly less dramatic note.

The screening for my movie is going to be this Friday.

That's Feb. 29th at 7pm at Ex'Pression College in Emeryville, CA. Specifically in Mayer Hall.

If anyone would like to attend, please let me know.

I'd REALLY like it if people attended.

My school is cool and would love to show it to people.

So yah..

Good times. :)

Oh and dancingshaman is in it as well as Dave.