yah. I'm still around...

not happy. but around.

life has been a monkey and throwing shit at me lately.

but. I'm somewhat surviving.

I'm feeling more and more like I'm going to crack and revert to what I was a year ago.

This will not happen again.

I broke down on break at my class last night.. I was sobbing.. almost to the point of hysterics.

I'm losing focus for things and my desires to accomplish my goals are depleting. God, I hope this funk ends soon.

If you ask me what's wrong. I probably won't tell you. I don't like talking about my feelings.

Did you know that I have a fear of rejection? Yah. a HUGE fear of rejection. That's why I hang out with my friends so much. I'm terrified that one day people just won't want to hang out with me anymore.

That's why I act so confident all the time. People are drawn to that.

I've always felt like I was falling behind everyone else. Like, everyone else was much more organized and on top of things. And I was always getting tripped up.

Loren calls me a total fatalist.

He's right. I always expect the worst. Lessen the blow that way. And makes the good that much better.

I don't know where I'm going with this... just venting.

as the day goes.

So. I'm feeling somewhat more chipper. Not necessarily better.. but more able to cope.

Food helps too.

So. 11 hours and counting.

Well. I'm strong and this is no different than any other day.

Just.

Breathe.