Hey. Isn't stuff fun?

Yes. Yes it is.

So anywho... here's how my day went :)

Got up. Woo.

Went to work. Today I think was unofficial pick on the new girl day :) Cuz yes. People were having fun doing that. But it's all good. I loved every bit of it :) It was fun :) My feet were killing me tho :)

So then I got off work and headed over to the Almighty Johanna's :)

We did measurements which I can't seem to remember what I did with right now.. Johanna... can you send me my measurements please? I have become absentminded and misplaced them. Thank you! :)

So now I have measurements to get a corset with :) YAY! :)

It was then time to mall n stuff.

We arrived at the mall and the shopping commenced. Ok so maybe like I only went to like a couple of stores but yah.. I bought lots of things.

Clothes/shoes mainly cuz that's what I needed.

We then headed over to the bookstore and target and then went back to her place and chilled ;)

So anywho... It was a really fun day...

I work again sunday... 9am-2pm. Come visit me if ya'll want :)

Lates. I must sleep :)

Gah. So much for THAT.

Easy come easy go I suppose.

I have no more money.

Ok no wait. That's a lie. I have 30 dollars to my name til pay day. Which should be thursday.

Yah. Go me. I just unhappily gave my grandma the last of the money I had, which I had planned on using for a cell phone, my books, and opening a bank account because she wouldn't leave me alone about the fact that I went shopping and bought things for myself which I haven't been able to do for a long while now.

The way to get things from me is not by guilt tripping me. Bad idea. So now I'm upset. And she's already telling me she feels guilty for taking the last of my money. I told her to just take it and shut up about it. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Money is the most cruel lover in the world. It can stroke your ego and make you king of the world. Then in the blink of an eye. It can make you hurt more than you've ever hurt before. Fuck money. I hate it. I hate the fact that it's ruined my relationships, friendships, family, and everything else.

Yes. I admit. I went shopping. I bought things that I needed and some things that I wanted. That was a choice I made. That was my decision and I admit full responsibility. But it was MY decision to make. Yes. I spent a little more than I should have. I indulged a little. But that was my choice and I'm fine with it. I'm fine because I stuck to my plan and I had money left over to use for the things I needed to start my future. And now, it's not gonna happen. Yet again.

Whatever. I've cried all I'm going to cry. I've screamed and shouted all I'm going to scream and shout. I work tomorrow. That's something to look forward to. Maybe it's a good thing I'm going to start being as busy as I will be. It'll take my mind of the negatives in my life.

Just please for the love of god don't let me fall behind in school. This is the first big accomplishment I've done in a long while and I refuse to fail this one too.

I just want to do well. Things keep happening that slow me down and it's driving me crazy.

I'm starting to feel my rage burning again. It's not directed at any one thing but it's making me an angrier and angrier person. I need to find a release. I need to just let go. If that means I have to dig through my storage unit and find my weapons and practice for 2 hours a day EVERY DAY. Then so be it. I just need to get this out of my body before I do something that could hurt myself or someone I care about.

I'm having more and more dreams about killing people. I'm having more and more dreams about pain and anger. I try to wear out my mind now so I have dreamless sleep because what I do see, scares the shit out of me.

.....I don't need advice and I don't need sympathy or logic. I just need to get out and say what I need to say.


Today I cleaned out my car. I need to wash it. And I need to do laundry. I get angry at my laziness. And I'm disgusted that I let my car become the way it was. This thing of beauty I used to cherish and adore. I let become dirty and mistreated.

I don't deserve some of the things I have. And I think it's my punishment that they remain in my life. Reminding me everyday of my wrongdoings.

I used to have a submissive that I played with on a regular basis a few years ago. I asked him what he felt would be the worst punishment his mistress could give him. He told me that there was nothing more painful than having something you care so deeply for be right in front of you and you can do nothing with it. You are ignored.

That's how I feel. I feel like I have everything right in front of me and I can do nothing with it.

I dunno.. I guess I'm just rambling again.. I need to get out of the house for a while and be alone.

Please understand I'm writing this for whatever reason I'm writing this. I'm upset. So if you want to comment, feel free. But please be nice.