" If I could tell the world just one thing.. it would be we're all ok... " - Jewel

So I'm happy with James and I'm happy with myself.

I made a post a day or so ago saying that I've had to change in this relationship. Lemme explain this change. Everyone saw that statement and starting freaking out. Why don't you wait til something's dead before you pounce on it?

I've changed for the better. I'm learning things that I never knew before.

I never had respect for other people's things or really for other people before I met James. I pretty much did what I wanted and then would wonder why people would get so pissed off. James made it very clear to me that I don't respect others at all. So I'm working on that.

I'm a selfish attention whore. This much I already knew. But I'm learning that everything isn't about me ( No it's all about James, haha just kiddin ) but that it's a two person thing. And all my wants aren't always whats important at that moment. I'm not gonna get everything I want. And I accept this. And I don't need to spend 24 hours a day with James just to be reassured that he loves me. Because I know he loves me. And Yes I love spending time with him but even moderation can be good :)

I'm less clingy. Which just like everything has it's time and it's place. It's just not an all the time thing.

Communication. I'm learning to do something I've NEVER done before. Prior to meeting James whenever I was in a situation where I didn't want to discuss how I was feeling ( usually all of the time ) I would just clam up, wait til the person was finished talking, and leave. I wouldn't utter a word. I'd keep everything inside and then wonder why people couldn't read my mind. It doesn't work like that and I'm learning to talk now.

I'm also learning that I need to break my posessive nature. Also to put some water on my jealous fires. And to just relax and breathe and to learn when to ask for reassurance not just expect it. Yes, I'm paranoid. Yes I have abandonment issues. Yes I smother. But I'm working on these things.

I'm also working on not assuming so much and asking more.

So that's just some of the ways I'm " changing " or working on myself. That wasn't so bad now was it? And yes, James has changed for me. I never said he didn't you folks just assumed that he didn't. He's made VERY large changes for me and for that, I'm grateful.

( But wait. There's more to this update. WARNING: MUSHY STUFF AHEAD! )

No. I'm not ok. But hey, I'm dealing...

So yes. If you don't know. I'm probably not gonna tell you here. E-mail me if you want to know. But the way gossip and information spreads through my group of friends like wild fire I'm sure half the world knows.

I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm lonely. I'm hurt. I'm upset. I'm feeling low. I'm feeling very... I don't know anymore.

I have so many questions.

First off. I want to thank Johanna ( britgeekgirl ) for listening to me tonight. And for the waitress at Denny's who put it ever so simply. Guys suck. And here's why... thanks :) Mebbe I will leave and join the army for 6 months... but I couldn't leave my kitty for that and I'm pretty sure James would miss me.

I need time. I need affection. I need love. I need a lot of things. I need to just be held and not let go for a while. I just need to let it all out. If that means sobbing hysterically on someone's shoulder than so be it.

Sigh. I just... I don't know anymore.

Don't start yelling at James. And don't start saying bad things. This isn't his fault. And it's better that it's happening now than later. I need to learn if it's something I can accept.