Even in a bright beetle, I'm ignored....

Ya know, it's funny, the more times I watch moulin rougue, the harder I cry each time I see it... but whatever... just a side note... so.. I am still being ignored... but that's ok... yah know.. it's like... if people don't want to be my friend anymore.. why can't they just be like... sorry I haven't talked to you in like a year or something I don't really want to be friends with you again... or.. I've met someone and I'm probably gonna be too busy to call you... I don't wanna be friends with you anymore... or you're annoying and pushy and loud and I can't be friends with you.. it's like... All I EVER ask from ANYONE is HONESTY. Obviously something that doesn't exist anymore... are people just too chicken shit to tell me how they feel? It's like, it fucking hurts me more to be avoided and ignored and just left there hanging than if you come right out and end it....I fucking pour my heart out to people and tell them all my true ass feelings, which is hard for me to do in the first place.. but I do it, and what happens? I'm always hurt! Always! And it's like I'm just left there, hanging, with my heart ripped out and I'm just like expected to heal like nothing happened and move on with my life... well... fine.. it looks like it's gonna be that way again... so I'll just forget anyone ever liked me and acted like they gave a shit to me... and just eventually find new people who will just do the same thing to me... and it's like you know what really gets me... is one of the people who did this to me... ( a male ) I actually asked him flat out.. " Do you still want to be friends with me? Cuz if not just tell me and I can leave you alone " and he says " Yah, I do want to be friends with you. " So... why is he now avoiding and ignoring? Who knows... who really cares? Well, I guess I'm not allowed to anymore according to Allen... and it's like, I love allen to death but he really doesn't understand why I pursue friendships with people so hardcore.. I mean it's so easy for him because he has like a million friends that he's known for like a million years... he actually has a best friend... I had a best friend once... we were friends for 5 years, we hung out everyday... we did everything together.. well not EVERYTHING he was gay... and where did that get me? My family hated me, he claimed I stole his credit card and charged up 2000 dollars on it and that he was gonna take me to court if I didn't pay, alone, no other friends to speak of, and no signifigant other... and so here I am today... wondering what I did to deserve this... and then I'll just take my medication.. and forget that feelings like, anger or sadness ever existed.... well... life goes on....

Before and after....

" I hear a voice, you must learn to stand up for yourself cuz I can't always be around... " - Tori Amos " Winter " well... now that the paxil has kicked in... I've totally forgotten any anger or whatever I had earlier when I wrote my last entry.... so I felt I'd listen to some Tori Amos... I always liked her.. her and fiona apple... well.. going to the psychiatrist today.. gonna see if he can put me on half days... but we'll see... I want a kitty... well a kitten to start off with... i love animals... and they love me... maybe I should be a vet... we'll see though... well I gotta go... i'm being rushed to get ready and we can't all sit around in towels fresh out of the shower forever... " This house, like russia...You can say it one more time, you can say it one more time, you can say it one more time, have a seat while I , take to the sky... " - Tori Amos, Take to the sky.

Entry 3 on the day of meds...

Well... I went to the psychiatrist... another medication... yay... this one is supposed to help me sleep and to get rid of my weird dreams... well... I don't really know what to write.. I just kinda felt like typing... I'm thinking of moving to england... maybe I'll go there on a trip and fall in love with it... we'll see... latas...

Le sigh....

I'm so drained... crying on paxil is a bad idea... it drains the shit out of you... Allen is snoring.... I'm bored.. and there is nothing on t.v. i hate this, I just feel like writing... just doing SOMETHING... and I don't know what to put.... I know... you know what the greatest night of my life was? You know what night was the best night in the whole world that I will never forget for the rest of my life? It the was night before my friend brandon and krishna at UC Berkeley were going back home for the summer in 2000 I think it was... and like... we were in SF and we walked to Toys R Us and we saw these like random but hilarious signs painted on buildings that said " Up, down, sky ground, and one tree " SF doesn't get any better than that.. so like... we're walking arm in arm to toys r us and we go in and buy this like madness laser tag set... we then get back to berkeley and we call up my best friend at the time to join us... so we go to this miscellaneous field on campus and we hook ourselves to this laser game thing and we play like the most hardcore round of laser tag I have ever played... we played for like 4 hours up until it was 3 am... so then we walk back to the dorms and then we play a hardcore game of trivial pursuit for like another 2 hours... and then we all slept and it was the best night of my life... I haven't had the much fun ever.. it was spontaneous, fast paced, and wonderful... but nights like that only happen once in a decade so I guess I got a few years to wait... ah well... well I'm gonna try to go to sleep... night...