awesomesprout | Speak no evil.

I've always felt like an outsider to the world.

A loner.

Rarely accepted for who I am and the things that I do.

I've always felt like I was lookin in on something I could never be a part of.

In high school. I was popular. But I wasn't your conventional popular kid. No, I was popular because I didn't try to be like everyone else. Because I was unique and didn't give a shit what people thought about me. I didn't hang out with kids from my high school. All my friends went to college and were considerably older.

I've belonged to a lot of circles of people. But I've never felt like I was really a part of whatever I happen to habiting in at that moment. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I usually am just an outsider. Thrust into the group by a boyfriend or another friend. And usually after all is said and done I move on to another new group with the occasion arises. I'm nomadic. And I hate it.

I hate not having a stable group of people I can call my friends. I hate not feeling like I'm wanted or that I belong somewhere because I haven't been there as long as other people. Or because things have happened that caused uproar and I'm forever judged as a gossiper or a drama queen.

I have some friends now that I do consider stable. Ones who've stuck by me no matter what. And I love them for that.

My life isn't ideally where I'd like it to be. This is not how I pictured myself back when I was in high school.... or hell... even a year or two ago.

But life sucks. It's shit. And I move on and deal with it.

I don't know where my life is going to go at this point so I can only sit back and go with the flow. Things are up in the air and that makes me uneasy.

I debate whether or not I should quit the activities I participate in. Whether or not I should stay. I try to figure out where I want my life to go. And I'm stumped. I'm just... here.

I know everything I do is a choice and these are the choices I've made. But I sort of feel like I'm just here. And things are just creeping along. Things are in a pattern and repeat themselves.

I have a button on my backpack that is a picture of a cartoonish looking monkey face and he's covering his ears. It's a statement. It means I don't listen to the drama and I've gone back to not caring what people think about me. Hear no Evil. Speak No Evil. See no Evil.

I feel that love is overrated and I've started becoming more of a being of logic, reason, and analyzation. I question EVERYTHING. I pick apart everything. I take everything into consideration and look at it from every perspective. I'm paranoid. I'm defensive at times. I'm also callous. Cold. And uncaring at others. I have to mend and build that scar tissue. And rebuild that great big wall around my heart. That will take time. But until that happens I cope.

I hope Johanna has an awesome trip! And now.. I'm gonna go feed myself and go to work. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed I get that job. I find out tomorrow.

Well... I still don't have anyone to go to the play with so I'm gonna ask one of my coworkers today....

Auf Wiedersehen