Many forms.

[awesomesprout]

Who are you and what have you done with Jessica?

What are you talking about... I am Jessica.

No. The Jessica I know is strong, able-minded, witty, brave, smart, funny, kind, independant... etc. You. You're just weak and pitiful.

But...but...I am strong and all of those things.

Uhm. Who are you fooling? Cuz obviously you haven't looked at yourself lately. We all see right through you. We know the only person you're kidding is you.

Oh my god. What the fuck have I been doing to myself. What a jackass I've been. Can you please forgive me?

The only person who can forgive you, is you.


I have a confession for anyone who is reading this. And most importantly a confession for myself.

I've been putting up a front. A false impression of who I am and how I've been feeling. It's all been an act.

I had an incredibly sobering talk with Johanna last night on the way home from Death Guild. It was a total slap in the face. I was silent and just listened. Tears fell and I just looked straight ahead.. driving.

Ever since James broke up with me I've felt a lot of things. Anger, Pain, Jealousy, Lonliness, Low self-esteem, etc.

I tried talking to people to get advice, sympathy, etc.

Everyone told me just to move on. That what he did didn't matter anymore. That I shouldn't let it affect me. He's obviously moved on and doesn't care anymore, so should you. Etc.etc.etc.

I felt like everything I was feeling was wrong. Like I wasn't allowed to still be hurt or upset. That I should just shut up and deal. So I did.

I pushed everything that hurt deep down inside and put up a cold and bitter front. A wall of paranoia and anger. I acted like I was fine and didn't give a shit. I went out and did things where I knew James and Sydney would be. And I went regardless and I kept telling myself over and over that I wasn't allowed to feel jealous. That I can't still have feelings for him. That it was over. And that I just shouldn't care anymore.

He was an asshole. I was better than him. He's moved on and so should I.

But it's so easy for someone to say that to someone else who isn't dealing with it. It's so easy for someone who isn't involved to just say " deal with it and move on. "

NO!! I WON'T JUST DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON!! Do you not realize that it's only been what. Like 2 or so weeks? I don't care who you are. I don't care what you say. My breakup with James sucked fucking ass. It just sucked. It hurt a lot. And for things to be pushed this fucking fast is impossible for me to deal with. And I'm a pretty fucking strong and resilant girl.

Break ups are a death. It's the death of something that was living and breathing. You have to mourn. I will be upset, yes. I will hurt for a while, Yes.

I don't think I can even convey into words how hard this is for me. How I have to choose whether or not to do activities where I know he will be there. I have to choose whether or not I go and deal with my emotions or I don't go and protect myself as much as possible.

Last night at the club all I wanted to do was ignore the fact that they were there. I just wanted to dance. Show off my outfit and have a good time. But of course. That didn't work. So instead of getting upset and causing a scene. I acted civil. And then I got out of there as soon as Johanna was ready.

Yes I was upset. Yes it drove me crazy to see him. But I dealt. But I can't keep lying to myself. I can't keep ignoring things and avoiding things. Either I go and deal or I don't go and protect.

SO there. You want to know how I am. That's how I am. I'm still wounded, really really wounded. I've acted for 85% of my life. So yes. I can put up a front when needed to make others feel comfortable. Call me a martyr call me whatever you want for pushing my emotions aside for others. But don't ever tell me that it didn't make you feel better and more comfortable that I wasn't upset. Take me for who I am and what I do and accept that I do what I need to do to survive.

I appreciate all the help and advice and everything that my friends have done for me. But all I ever wanted sympathy. I just wanted someone to hug me tightly, let me cry, and tell me that I'll be ok. That it's ok that I'm upset and hurting. That there isn't anything wrong with me for getting jealous.

Call it validation. Call it sympathy. Call it lying. Call it whatever you want. But that's all I've wanted or needed.

I didn't need to hear move on and deal with it. This is going to take me a while to move on and deal with.

Alright.. I'm done now... :: steps off soapbox and walks away into the sunset ::