awesomesprout (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
awesomesprout) wrote2004-01-13 11:30 pm
awesomesprout) wrote2004-01-13 11:30 pm
" Stop! UHHHH! WIGGLE WIT IT!! " - I wish I knew who did this damn song so I can DL it!
Day 1. The new beginning.
Today. Was the first day of my new beginning. And this is how I spent it...
I woke up fairly early. I've decided that my body only seems to be sleeping bare minimum needed to function and that isn't much nor is it through the entire night.
I got up and did my usual wake up routine.... Check mail, potty, turn on the t.v., and grab some water to drink.
I talked online to a few people for a while. I decided today was going to be my day of rest since I literally have been going non-stop mentally and physically since friday. And I'm to my breaking point. And exhausted. Just plain exhausted. And not really in the mood to fight much of anything at this point.
So I decided to do some reading, watch t.v., eat and rest. I put up my away msgs and laid down.
Haydn called to see how I was doing. We talked for a while and I felt a little better but not much.
So I read and ate some pasta. Watched the Lord of the Rings: The fellowship of the Rings two times back to back on some movie channel. And basically meandered online for most of the day.
Took a shower and got dressed. And made plans to hang out with Johanna later in the evening.
I made a few discoveries about myself while I was reading. ( I'm reading the ethical slut right now. ) And apologize to someone for some things I'd done after I'd realized what I was doing and why I was doing it.
So, the day wore on. I mainly played on the computer and tried to make plans with as many people as possible to just get out of the house.
The evening came and Johanna invited me over. We opted for starbucks and I told her the things I was feeling and what I was letting myself be affected by. I started getting really upset in Starbucks and took a few moments to calm down. We kept talking til I took her home.
While talking to her I realized something I do on a subconscience level. I analyze. I take things in my life that I don't understand or that I'm upset with and I pick them apart to try to understand them better or to understand why I feel the way I do about them. I was telling Johanna how furious I was with myself because I kept letting things affect me and by getting upset over things that I had no business getting upset over. I told her I wish I didn't care anymore. She told me that it's not that I don't want to care, it's that I just want to stop being affected and hurting. I agreed.
Other reasons that I overanalyze is to try to find places where things were broken to see what I could have done differently to fix them. It's a nasty habit and it only results in more heartache on my part. Because I'll sit there and be like, " If ONLY I'd done that, this would have happened! Why didn't I do that?! " Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. What good does it do me? None.
So I drove home thinking about that. About how at times overanalyzing has been my downfall in otherwise good situations. I try too understand too much instead of just going with the flow. It comes with my lack of trust in people. I always want to know what they're intentions are. And I'm so sure if I asked a psycho killer a bunch of questions to find out if they were a psycho killler with intentions of killing me. That they'd flat out tell me. No. Doesn't work like that. Sometimes you just have to let things play themselves out.
So I got home. Played on the computer some more and I have developed a throbbing sore throat so I made some tea. It's helping a little.
I'm about as low in myself as I can possibly go right now. I have very little except for my friends who remind me that I'm still loved and that people really do like me. My kitty. And myself.
I also haven't been taking care of myself while I've been sick so yes. I'm still really sick. I'm also very stressed and when I'm stressed or sick I tend not to eat. And when I don't eat my body gets weaker and I can't fight the sickness or the stress. It's a vicious cycle. I've been trying to eat more but it's only been about one meal a day.
The next few weeks are going to be hard. They're going to be a lot of work on myself. But it's something I need to do.
Thanks to everyone who talked to me today. I appreciate it.
Love you all.
1 day down. A lot more to go. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.
" They say that nothing lasts forever. So what makes what makes what makes what what makes love the exception. Why oh why oh are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here? " - Hey Ya by Outkast.
Today. Was the first day of my new beginning. And this is how I spent it...
I woke up fairly early. I've decided that my body only seems to be sleeping bare minimum needed to function and that isn't much nor is it through the entire night.
I got up and did my usual wake up routine.... Check mail, potty, turn on the t.v., and grab some water to drink.
I talked online to a few people for a while. I decided today was going to be my day of rest since I literally have been going non-stop mentally and physically since friday. And I'm to my breaking point. And exhausted. Just plain exhausted. And not really in the mood to fight much of anything at this point.
So I decided to do some reading, watch t.v., eat and rest. I put up my away msgs and laid down.
Haydn called to see how I was doing. We talked for a while and I felt a little better but not much.
So I read and ate some pasta. Watched the Lord of the Rings: The fellowship of the Rings two times back to back on some movie channel. And basically meandered online for most of the day.
Took a shower and got dressed. And made plans to hang out with Johanna later in the evening.
I made a few discoveries about myself while I was reading. ( I'm reading the ethical slut right now. ) And apologize to someone for some things I'd done after I'd realized what I was doing and why I was doing it.
So, the day wore on. I mainly played on the computer and tried to make plans with as many people as possible to just get out of the house.
The evening came and Johanna invited me over. We opted for starbucks and I told her the things I was feeling and what I was letting myself be affected by. I started getting really upset in Starbucks and took a few moments to calm down. We kept talking til I took her home.
While talking to her I realized something I do on a subconscience level. I analyze. I take things in my life that I don't understand or that I'm upset with and I pick them apart to try to understand them better or to understand why I feel the way I do about them. I was telling Johanna how furious I was with myself because I kept letting things affect me and by getting upset over things that I had no business getting upset over. I told her I wish I didn't care anymore. She told me that it's not that I don't want to care, it's that I just want to stop being affected and hurting. I agreed.
Other reasons that I overanalyze is to try to find places where things were broken to see what I could have done differently to fix them. It's a nasty habit and it only results in more heartache on my part. Because I'll sit there and be like, " If ONLY I'd done that, this would have happened! Why didn't I do that?! " Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. What good does it do me? None.
So I drove home thinking about that. About how at times overanalyzing has been my downfall in otherwise good situations. I try too understand too much instead of just going with the flow. It comes with my lack of trust in people. I always want to know what they're intentions are. And I'm so sure if I asked a psycho killer a bunch of questions to find out if they were a psycho killler with intentions of killing me. That they'd flat out tell me. No. Doesn't work like that. Sometimes you just have to let things play themselves out.
So I got home. Played on the computer some more and I have developed a throbbing sore throat so I made some tea. It's helping a little.
I'm about as low in myself as I can possibly go right now. I have very little except for my friends who remind me that I'm still loved and that people really do like me. My kitty. And myself.
I also haven't been taking care of myself while I've been sick so yes. I'm still really sick. I'm also very stressed and when I'm stressed or sick I tend not to eat. And when I don't eat my body gets weaker and I can't fight the sickness or the stress. It's a vicious cycle. I've been trying to eat more but it's only been about one meal a day.
The next few weeks are going to be hard. They're going to be a lot of work on myself. But it's something I need to do.
Thanks to everyone who talked to me today. I appreciate it.
Love you all.
1 day down. A lot more to go. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.
" They say that nothing lasts forever. So what makes what makes what makes what what makes love the exception. Why oh why oh are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here? " - Hey Ya by Outkast.