awesomesprout (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
awesomesprout) wrote2004-01-12 05:53 pm
awesomesprout) wrote2004-01-12 05:53 pm
Suicide.
*EDIT* IT'S METAPHORICAL SUICIDE! NOT LITERAL!! READ THE WHOLE THING!
By the time you read this. I will already be dead. I'm killing myself tonight. Don't try to stop me because it's something *I* have to do.
I'm taking the dagger of my past and dipping it in the poison that is my flaws, insecurities, paranoia, anger, pettyness, mistakes, and everything that's poisoning my mind, body and spirit right now and slicing my throat.
I don't want to live in my skin anymore. I don't want to exist in this body. I want to be rid of it and be free. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Or this constant feeling of emptiness and of only doing wrong. Of constant betrayel of others and of being betrayed. My new body isn't going to have ears or eyes. I'm not going to listen to pay attention to the bullshit and the drama anymore. It's not worth it. It's not worth the pain and the agony and the suffering. It's not worth the being laughed at behind your back and the waste of time and energy on caring. I won't stand for it anymore.
So tonight. I'm going post this update. Take a bath to cleanse myself. And go to sleep.
Tonight is the night of the death of my current self. I no longer choose to live this way. I'm not literally going to kill myself. But I need to kill what I've become.
I have something to say to all of you. You're not allowed to comment. You have something to say? Write it in your own journal, IM me or e-mail me. This is my time.
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27outs: Ryan, you've been a really good friend. You've made me laugh and you've laughed my jokes, regardless of how stupid they are. I enjoy hanging out with you and Syb. I look forward to gaming with you for a long time down the road and maybe someday... you can have my car. Or at least drive it. Eh. Come to think of it. You can look at it. How's that? You haven't given up all hope in me yet and I thank you for that. I have a lot of burned bridges to rebuild and I look forward to having a stronger friendship with you in the future.
abc123dog: Adem. You rule. You've been so nice to me. You opened up to me and had more of a trusting nature than I've seen in a long time. Maybe it's cuz you're from Iowa :) hehe. Thank you for the things you done for me and I promise. We'll hang out more. We should totally adopt guinea pigs :) Ooo oo can we name one poopy? :)
appletrees: Allison. You've totally done amazing things with your life. I know we've drifted a LOT since after high school. But I really do miss you and your cool ways. I really want to make more of an effort to see you and to finally meet this Tim guy. I'm glad I was able to help you to remember what you've got right in front of you. :) Stay cool chica. And thanks a lot for still talking to me.
baronlaw: Hey Bill. Or should I say, Hey Mickey? You've been really awesome to me. I love hanging out with you, and playing endless games of dominoes for world domination. Thanks for your advice and for being so cool. And for also still talking to me :)
britgeekgrrl: Johanna. You've been nothing short of amazing to me. You've been there for me through everything. The good, the bad, the ugly ( also known as what jessica looks like when she wakes up in the morning). And for that I thank you. Thank you for listening and for never giving up on me.
dancingshaman: Thanks for letting me play in the battlestations game. I know you and I don't talk much and that I steal your wife away from you a lot. But I do appreciate you too Alex.
danlum: Danny, you've been really sweet to me since we first met back in the day. Who knew we'd meet up again later on in life? Thanks for always commenting with something supportive or comforting to say. It means a lot to me.
dicedork: Thanks for listening to me and giving me much needed advice. Little things like that meant a lot to me and I do appreciate it. You're an awesome person and I enjoy talking to you. Thanks again.
fuido: Eric. I know times suck right now. Believe me I know. But I'm still here for you. Don't ever hesistate to contact me to just hang out or whatever. We don't spend hardly anytime together as it is and I do like you a lot. I'm sorry Ethan left. But he'll be ok. If you need cheering up. Let me know.
gcwhitedevil: Erin. I know you and I don't really talk all that much anymore either. But I'm still here if you want advice or want to talk. I know you feel the same way. Thanks for listening and being there for me. I wish you luck in everything you do.
haydn5: Thanks for hanging out with me and for being an unbiased ear. You're a really awesome guy and I'm glad we're friends. Thanks a lot.
kijeren: Ginger, you've been a really great friend. I really appreciate all the times you've listened and helped me out. You're a really sweet gal and fun to be around. I wish you and Dave luck for the future and everything you do.
koga: You're gonna be last so don't bother reading this.
manictao Dave, you've talked me though some tough moments and help me wake up to things I wasn't seeing. I appreciate your friendship and the laughter. Thanks for being there for me when I needed it. You're a great guy and I wish you and Ginger the best.
moonlightgdess: Missy, you've listened to me and been there for some of the times that were needed. But also, I've seen how you gossip to people and talk about people behind their backs. You're a smart, beautiful, intelligent girl. You need to stay away from the drama and focus on yourself. I can't help but wonder if you have gone behind my back to those I love and done the same thing I've seen you do to others. You're not a bad person, but I think you put your energies and focus into the wrong things. You have everything right now, why would you stoop so low as to fall into the drama? You're better than that.
seedycorner: Hey girly, you rawk! :) I loved meeting you and I can't wait to come and visit. You're a totally awesome person and I appreciate you talking to me and listening. Good luck with school!
soulages: Dave. You're a great guy. You have a good life and you don't always fall victim to the drama of life. Thanks for being there when I needed you. It meant a lot to me.
urbanbard: You're advice has meant a hell of a lot to me. You've really helped me realize a lot that I didn't see even though it was right in front of my face. You're a really great guy and anyone is lucky to know you.
velvetnsatin: You done it. Now move on. I appreciate the hospitality you showed me. You have everything in your life that you need now. Including your closure. Be done with thinking about James and have nothing more to do with him. Don't even talk about him anymore. YOu have other more important things to focus your energy on. Including the birth of your daughter. Its time for that part of you to be in the past and to die now and move on with your life anew.
wolfjacobs: Will. Stop being so unhappy all the time! The world is a beautiful place. You're a great guy and I have a lot of fun with you and I like having you for a friend. Thanks for being there and for cooking me dinner :)
koga: And last but NO WHERE near least on my list is you, James. I love you. I really and truely love you. I admit I fucked up. I got hurt and you got hurt. It's happened and it's done with. I feel like we fell before we could even get off of the ground properly. I blame no one for this as we were both in that relationship. Good and bad things have happened to us and with us. But I'm still here and so are you. We're starting from the beginning with nothing and I only see good things from here. Thanks a lot for being there for me when I needed you. I love you, James.
So for anyone I didn't write about. I apologize. Nothing personal. These are people who have affected me recently.
Don't cry too much at my funeral and don't miss the old me either. She sucked anyway.
" Sometimes, the sound of goodbye. Is louder, than any drumbeat. " - Singer unknown. Song unknown.
Jessica Linn McCarthy
R.I.P.
11/26/1981 - 1/12/04
By the time you read this. I will already be dead. I'm killing myself tonight. Don't try to stop me because it's something *I* have to do.
I'm taking the dagger of my past and dipping it in the poison that is my flaws, insecurities, paranoia, anger, pettyness, mistakes, and everything that's poisoning my mind, body and spirit right now and slicing my throat.
I don't want to live in my skin anymore. I don't want to exist in this body. I want to be rid of it and be free. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Or this constant feeling of emptiness and of only doing wrong. Of constant betrayel of others and of being betrayed. My new body isn't going to have ears or eyes. I'm not going to listen to pay attention to the bullshit and the drama anymore. It's not worth it. It's not worth the pain and the agony and the suffering. It's not worth the being laughed at behind your back and the waste of time and energy on caring. I won't stand for it anymore.
So tonight. I'm going post this update. Take a bath to cleanse myself. And go to sleep.
Tonight is the night of the death of my current self. I no longer choose to live this way. I'm not literally going to kill myself. But I need to kill what I've become.
I have something to say to all of you. You're not allowed to comment. You have something to say? Write it in your own journal, IM me or e-mail me. This is my time.
27outs: Ryan, you've been a really good friend. You've made me laugh and you've laughed my jokes, regardless of how stupid they are. I enjoy hanging out with you and Syb. I look forward to gaming with you for a long time down the road and maybe someday... you can have my car. Or at least drive it. Eh. Come to think of it. You can look at it. How's that? You haven't given up all hope in me yet and I thank you for that. I have a lot of burned bridges to rebuild and I look forward to having a stronger friendship with you in the future. abc123dog: Adem. You rule. You've been so nice to me. You opened up to me and had more of a trusting nature than I've seen in a long time. Maybe it's cuz you're from Iowa :) hehe. Thank you for the things you done for me and I promise. We'll hang out more. We should totally adopt guinea pigs :) Ooo oo can we name one poopy? :) appletrees: Allison. You've totally done amazing things with your life. I know we've drifted a LOT since after high school. But I really do miss you and your cool ways. I really want to make more of an effort to see you and to finally meet this Tim guy. I'm glad I was able to help you to remember what you've got right in front of you. :) Stay cool chica. And thanks a lot for still talking to me. baronlaw: Hey Bill. Or should I say, Hey Mickey? You've been really awesome to me. I love hanging out with you, and playing endless games of dominoes for world domination. Thanks for your advice and for being so cool. And for also still talking to me :) britgeekgrrl: Johanna. You've been nothing short of amazing to me. You've been there for me through everything. The good, the bad, the ugly ( also known as what jessica looks like when she wakes up in the morning). And for that I thank you. Thank you for listening and for never giving up on me. dancingshaman: Thanks for letting me play in the battlestations game. I know you and I don't talk much and that I steal your wife away from you a lot. But I do appreciate you too Alex. danlum: Danny, you've been really sweet to me since we first met back in the day. Who knew we'd meet up again later on in life? Thanks for always commenting with something supportive or comforting to say. It means a lot to me. dicedork: Thanks for listening to me and giving me much needed advice. Little things like that meant a lot to me and I do appreciate it. You're an awesome person and I enjoy talking to you. Thanks again.fuido: Eric. I know times suck right now. Believe me I know. But I'm still here for you. Don't ever hesistate to contact me to just hang out or whatever. We don't spend hardly anytime together as it is and I do like you a lot. I'm sorry Ethan left. But he'll be ok. If you need cheering up. Let me know. gcwhitedevil: Erin. I know you and I don't really talk all that much anymore either. But I'm still here if you want advice or want to talk. I know you feel the same way. Thanks for listening and being there for me. I wish you luck in everything you do. haydn5: Thanks for hanging out with me and for being an unbiased ear. You're a really awesome guy and I'm glad we're friends. Thanks a lot. kijeren: Ginger, you've been a really great friend. I really appreciate all the times you've listened and helped me out. You're a really sweet gal and fun to be around. I wish you and Dave luck for the future and everything you do. koga: You're gonna be last so don't bother reading this. manictao Dave, you've talked me though some tough moments and help me wake up to things I wasn't seeing. I appreciate your friendship and the laughter. Thanks for being there for me when I needed it. You're a great guy and I wish you and Ginger the best. moonlightgdess: Missy, you've listened to me and been there for some of the times that were needed. But also, I've seen how you gossip to people and talk about people behind their backs. You're a smart, beautiful, intelligent girl. You need to stay away from the drama and focus on yourself. I can't help but wonder if you have gone behind my back to those I love and done the same thing I've seen you do to others. You're not a bad person, but I think you put your energies and focus into the wrong things. You have everything right now, why would you stoop so low as to fall into the drama? You're better than that.seedycorner: Hey girly, you rawk! :) I loved meeting you and I can't wait to come and visit. You're a totally awesome person and I appreciate you talking to me and listening. Good luck with school!soulages: Dave. You're a great guy. You have a good life and you don't always fall victim to the drama of life. Thanks for being there when I needed you. It meant a lot to me. urbanbard: You're advice has meant a hell of a lot to me. You've really helped me realize a lot that I didn't see even though it was right in front of my face. You're a really great guy and anyone is lucky to know you. velvetnsatin: You done it. Now move on. I appreciate the hospitality you showed me. You have everything in your life that you need now. Including your closure. Be done with thinking about James and have nothing more to do with him. Don't even talk about him anymore. YOu have other more important things to focus your energy on. Including the birth of your daughter. Its time for that part of you to be in the past and to die now and move on with your life anew. wolfjacobs: Will. Stop being so unhappy all the time! The world is a beautiful place. You're a great guy and I have a lot of fun with you and I like having you for a friend. Thanks for being there and for cooking me dinner :) koga: And last but NO WHERE near least on my list is you, James. I love you. I really and truely love you. I admit I fucked up. I got hurt and you got hurt. It's happened and it's done with. I feel like we fell before we could even get off of the ground properly. I blame no one for this as we were both in that relationship. Good and bad things have happened to us and with us. But I'm still here and so are you. We're starting from the beginning with nothing and I only see good things from here. Thanks a lot for being there for me when I needed you. I love you, James. So for anyone I didn't write about. I apologize. Nothing personal. These are people who have affected me recently.
Don't cry too much at my funeral and don't miss the old me either. She sucked anyway.
" Sometimes, the sound of goodbye. Is louder, than any drumbeat. " - Singer unknown. Song unknown.
Jessica Linn McCarthy
R.I.P.
11/26/1981 - 1/12/04