I have a SUPER busy weekend this weekend :)

Saturday: I'm working the open house at my school! YAY :) I get a t-shirt, money, and food :) And lots and lots of interaction with current and new students :)

AND A HOODIE!! Thanks to my friend Dave coming to my school's open house based off of my referral. Woot ;) Our school hoodies are the shit. I think it may even replace my Flogging Molly one for a while. But it's tough to say :)

After the open house goodness, I'm gonna head down to San Jose and stay the night so that I can get up early.. and do what? What's that?

GO TO THE NOR CAL REN FAIRE!!!!

HUZZAH!!

I'm SOOOOOO stoked!

I haven't gone to Ren Faire in at least 4 years.

And that means I can finally wear my Faire clothes AT FAIRE again since I've only ever gotten to once!

Oh man... I can't even EXPRESS how excited I really am :)

And what's also awesome is it's now less than a month away til Disneyland!! YAY! :)

Things continue rapidly in my life. It's kind of freaking me out and pushing my comfort zones.

I've spent the last month trying to get my life organized and orderly and then school started and I'm back to even the most basic of tasks getting pushed into, " Oh my god I have to finish EVERYTHING on the weekends!" mode.

Everything being laundry and such.

But. I am getting my homework done on time and without any problems.

And I haven't missed or been late to any classes.

I've been eating better too and all this running around is keeping me pretty active. I just need to work on getting more sleep. Ug.

I guess sometimes I get caught up in the chaos and forget that yes... I am doing this. And yes. I'm managing. And that I did this all on my own for the most part.

Every time I'm in class I still get this surreal feeling that it's not really happening.

Just because I went through so much crap to get here that I guess it hasn't fully sunken in yet that I accomplished something so huge.

I wish that with all this craziness going on that I didn't still think about Mike.

I find myself thinking about him in class if I zone out for a minute or when I'm driving somewhere. Or when there's a lull.

I still have dreams almost nightly about him.

I'm sure with time things will get better but I just hate how much I still feel hurt when I think everything that's happened over the last year.

And then I think about something else... I sit there and wonder if I'm really a bad person?

If I was wrong for wanting Mike to change and not continue treating me and other women the way he was?

If I was wrong for pushing him so hard to be a better person and to focus on taking care of himself?

I understand those were his choices to make and that my reactions were defense tactics to keep from getting hurt.

But it all still stings so much. And the feeling that it's all over... gone... just like that.

And also to feel like he probably doesn't even care or feel bad for any of it. And that he was right.

I know I'm not a bad person.... At least.. I think I know.

I have so much self-doubt even with all that I'm doing these days. There's so much about my school that I love but there's also this hidden pressure to be the greatest that no one really talks about.. but you can just feel it there.

I made a couple of new friends that I've been hanging out with a lot lately. Sammy and Blake. They're both really awesome. Blake went through a similar relationship situation and so it's kinda comforting to know that I'm not alone. And Sammy is really fun to just hang out with. They're roommates so we've formed this little triad friendship thing.

Oooo and they have a kitten! :) Her name is Polaris :) hehe :) * geekgeekgeek *

Yesterday, we had class together and then we went back to their place because they forgot the ping pong balls for our Ping Pong Tournament of Death! We ended up hanging out at their place for a minutes. ( Really nice house in berkeley. Hella expensive rent tho. Good lord. $2600! Eep. )

After that, we headed back to school and played a few quick rounds of ping pong. We found out that there was going to be a free concert in our main sound hall that night so we went and checked it out. It was a Filipino punk/something band. They were just setting up when we got there so we opted to check it out later after getting food.

We headed over to Rubio's for their Taco Tuesdays! and decided to go watch a movie. We saw Across the Universe ( my second time, yah! best movie! ) and we all loved it!

Back to school we went and ended up catching the last 30 seconds of the concert. It went something like this:

" :: really fast paced guitar and drums :: THANK YOU! :: lights come on :: "

Us: " Aw. Goddamnit! "

There's another show tonight but I dunno if I feel like checking it out or not. Hell, there's pretty much a free show every night at my school. Woot.

Alright well. I need to get back to my homework. I guess I'm just feeling bummed. I miss Mike. I'm not going to lie. And I miss the good times. I just still really feel like I'm in a state of shock after all that's happened and to realize that someone really did treat me that horridly.

Hope all is well with everyone.

I just prepped all my lunch stuffs for the rest of the week. I chopped up a bunch of veggies and organized everything so it won't spoil. Yay for tupperware!

I'm a little pissed. One of my roommates( the new one ) ate some of my brand new granola bars yesterday. I was like WHAT THE HELL? Why do I only have 2 of these goddamn things left? The box was full yesterday! ARG!

So yah. He's gonna hear it next time he sets foot in the house. And I expect my shit to be replaced!

All one needs to do is ask. I mean geez. How hard is that? And I need those for school. I mean hello. I go non-stop for 12-14 hours a day.

Ug.

I've been trying to keep busy and luckily with school that doesn't seem to be a problem. Plus, I can go there whenever I want and I always have no problem finding something to do. ( Woot for free play arcade games and a free jukebox! )

I guess... even with all the chaos that is my life right now. Sometimes I still feel really lonely.

Ah well. It happens right?

:: shrug ::

It's all about me now and what I need to do.

And I have to stop trying to hold everyone's hand while I work through life. It's ok to ask for help now and then but I need to just accept things, know that I'm loved even if it's not by who I thought did love me, and remember that I'm an awesome person.

Time for bed.

Goodnight.

Blackbird by the Beatles:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMBER!!!

What a busy ass weekend.

Friday: Class then work til 9pm.

My friend Wendy came over and spent the night. I attempted to stay up but yah. I'm an old fart and totally passed out about halfway into our first DVD. I'd been up since 8am that day, people! Sheesh :)


Saturday: Woke up and went *gasp* grocery shopping. I didn't go over my budget too much which was nice and I have a good amount of food to last me. :) Wendy went shopping with me and helped keep me on task. I also brought my roommate along since he didn't want to take a bunch of groceries on the bus and appreciated that I had a car.

After shopping, Wendy left and I waited around for my friend/co-worker Bo (Ashley) to show up. When she finally made it to my place we hightailed it over to Union City to meet Wendy for dinner and to watch Across the Universe. That movie was awesome! :) Good times.

Said goodbye to Wendy and Bo and I sang along to Beatles' hits all the way back to my place.

She dropped me off and left. Then I hung out with my roommates in downtown SF and dropped one of them off. Since we couldn't find parking to actually hang out my other roommate and I decided to head over to Alameda to get some late night mexican food at Angelica's restaurant.


Sunday: I woke up early and went to work. Lame. Then I got home and forced my roommates to wake up and go to the Dragonboat Festival with me since it was on Treasure Island and we had missed it the day before.

They FINALLY got ready and we headed over there. Oh man... SOOOOO much fun! :) They had Taiko drummers n stuff there too. Oh! And I won $25 at a Karaoke Contest with my growd-gathering rendition of the " Humpty Dance " by Digital Undergound.

My ego was huge after that :)

I dropped my roommates off and went to my uncle's for dinner and to watch the greatest Family Guy episode Evar!

And now it's about 11pm and I'm in a lab all alone at my school to do my other homework assignment that's not due til weds. but I told myself I was going to finish all my homework over the weekend and by golly. I'm going to do it!

So I'm gonna go back to rockin' out and doin' psyh.

Woot woot.

Hey. So I'm planning a trip for the weekend before Halloween to go to Disneyland/CA Adventure.

It'd be for like the 26th - 28th of October.

So far it's my co-worker and I that are going. I'm going to ask another friend of mine tonight if she wants to go and I think bringing one or 2 more people wouldn't be too bad.

And it'll cut down on costs.

So here's the deal. I'm looking to see who'd be interested in going. This is going to be my last big hurrah for a while so I'm probably going to trumpet it being an early bday celebration or something too since I'll be drowning in hw by the time my bday ( 11/26) rolls around.

We're most likely going to rent a car ( unless my friend opts to drive hers ), get a hotel, and get 2-day park hopper passes.

I'm going to research places to stay, cars, etc.

I will make like a breakdown of costs for people if I get people interested in going.

The only sure thing I know of is that the park-hopper passes are about 120 bucks a person. Other than that it'd be like gas, food, hotel, car if we rent one, misc. items, etc.

So please...

Let me know if you're interested. I know the trip would be a blast :)

And truthfully. I'm going because I really want to see the Halloween Decorations and stuffs happening at DL before I totally disappear for school. If I could swing Christmas too I may ask for that from my family for Christmas or something but this time around I know that I can make it financially and time wise.

Alright :)

And I'd like to know ASAP so I can start booking reservations and such. :)

Dear Big, Bad Adult World,

You win. I give up.

Consider this my resignation, effective immediately, from being a grown-up.

Shit just got too hard and I'm done dealing with it.

I'm letting my inner-child take over from this point on and not looking back.

Thanks for the, um, memories?

By the way, half of this stuff, so wasn't in the job description.

So you can just.. oh what do I want to say here... Fuck right off.

Kiss my ass.

Love always,

Jessica.

Oh and...

P.S.

Those things you call relationships? Nice practical joke there. Fuck you again for that little joyride.

Next time you create relationships, why not create people who are actually, oh I don't know, compatable enough and mature enough to fucking handle them.

Bitch.

I hate you with all of my being. And always will.

Thanks for reading.

But you're a big, bad, grownup world... so you probably don't even care that I'm saying any of this to you.

So that's fine.

Peace out, yo.

Oh. my. god. YES!

Happy birthday dancingshaman!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!! :)

Oh...

And Zod too.

:: worshipworshipworshipkneelkneelkneel ::

Good day aside.

I'm still really depressed and hurting.

Deep down.

Why does shit always have to be like this?

Sigh.