Eh. Whatever, bitches.

* Note * Unless I say someone's name SPECIFICALLY all my " you " 's in this post are general. So don't get all defensive.

I'm tired of people's judgements. Tired of people's biased bullshit. Tired of dealing with anger and frustration and " Perceptions of reality ".

I'm not going to post about James or my relationship with James in my journal any longer. It's my ball of yarn to play with and I'm not going to share it any longer.

I can't tell other people what to post in their journals but I would appreciate it if you would A. Have all the facts before you post something about me or what you think I think. Or B. Just don't do it at all.

I am the only person who knows how *I* feel. If you feel that you know what I'm thinking better than I do. Hey, then change your name to Jessica McCarthy and live my life. Cuz shit. I didn't know we shared a brain.

I'm one fucking honest person and if I say something. I know I'm telling the truth. I don't care how it looked to you. I give you the facts whether you want to listen or not is your own choice.

People who talk to me, know more about me than someone who reads my journal alone. I'm VERY particular about what I put in here and it isn't my ENTIRE life. If I choose to talk about James then I choose to talk about James. If I spend 19 posts describing my cat then I do just that. It doesn't mean that it's my entire life. It's just what I choose to talk about and let you in on.

I don't EVER form my judgement on ANYONE from just their journals. If I did, I'd be one closed-minded bitch. No, I talk to people. I hang out with people. I get to know them. And then I form my opinion. I give people time to show their true selves to me.

My relationship with James is much more involved than most people know or realize. What I choose to tell people is not the ENTIRE story. It's not ALL there is to the picture. And it isn't the final word.

But no more. I've been pushed and pissed off and I don't even feel like the place I come to to vent and get advice is sacred anymore. So begin the fluff posts.

If you want to know what's going on with me. Then hey. Just fuckin ask. Don't pretend to be my long lost twin and tell me you know what I'm thinking. Cuz you don't. Only I do.

I hate being a bitch about this but even I can scratch back.

Meow.

Dinero.

Wow. Just when I was stressing about having money, one again the " green " fairy rears her beautiful head.

I got home and there was a paycheck from Concord Hyundai waiting for me. Woot go me. :) Now I can once again afford my trip on new year's.

So far it's been the following people who've helped me:

Adem - Payed for the room.

Money paid back - Spent some on misc. junk and had less left over than realized but still enough to ( I thought ) squeak by.

Check from McCarthy side of family grandma - Woohoo! Extra 50 bucks for gas and snackies for the drive.

And paycheck - YAY FOR MONEY COMING TO ME I DIDN'T EXPECT!! :)

So yes, laundry today or tomorrow. And hanging out with my kitty. Cuz he rules and talks more than I do which is a nice change of pace.

Interview.

K, so this is how this works. I got my questions from britgeekgrrl

If you want to be interviewed ask me in a comment and I'll reply with 5 questions.

Here we go! :)

1) Describe the one promise you made that you most regret breaking.

Ok first off, here's a little history on me. I don't make promises unless they're something I know I can keep. If I promise something, I don't break it. Now in terms of that calliber of my word giving. I'd have to say the " promise " of never asking for help from my family. I've failed that. Horribly. And I'm reminded of it on a daily basis.

2) Where do you want to be in five years' time? Contraiwise, where do you believe you will be in five years' time?

I want to be comfortable. I want to be making money, living on my own or with a boyfriend/possibly husband. And I want to be in a secure and stable environment and making plans for the future without lots of doubt or worry. I want to be successful. I believe I will be there if not VERY close to that goal.

3) (Borrowed this from rm. What is the one thing you want to do, to prove that you can.

Honestly? This is gonna sound horrible. One of two things. 1. Get back out on my own and be independant away from my family's help. 2. Get into a physical fight with someone and win. :) I know it's bad but like. It's something I haven't done and often times I've been pushed very close to that point. I Dunno. I know violence doesn't solve anything but it's one of those forbidden thrills.

4) When left alone in the middle of the night, you think about:

Myself. My life. Why I'm not sleeping. My future. My relationship. My friends. How I feel about certain things. How I'm going to talk to people about certain things I need to talk about.

5) The quality about yourself that you most admire and wish you saw more often in others is:

Less backstabbing and more confrontation and honesty. I'm forced to fight my own battles. You should do it too. Not go and hide. Also. I'd like people to be more loving towards animals the way I am, there'd be less of a need for shelters if that were true.

New Year's.

Anyone doing anything New Year's? I've been informed the trip has been cancelled.

One thing after a fucking other.

So. Yes. I'm getting the " Get rid of the cat or else speech again. "

Help me. Please?

ARGGG!!

I HATE THIS! I hate where I am in life.

I have no job.

I have little money.

I have no home.

I have almost no debt anymore.

I have all this fucking pressure to do things that I feel like i'm only failing at!

I feel like a piece of chewed up bubblegum.

People push me. People judge me. People step on me. People fight me. People ignore me. People hurt me. People scream and yell at me. People anger me and tell me to stop being angry because I have no right to be. People put me down.

I need to get out of this place. I just want to run away. I want to be in a place where I feel like people want me there.

I want to stop feeling like i'm floating and anchor to something for once.

God I fucking hate this.

HATE IT.

5 more.

1) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I already answered this one!!

2) Name your favourite fictional character and why?

At the moment. I'm gonna go with Harry Potter. i know this sounds childish and kiddie but I love getting lost in a harry potter book. It's easy to relate to sometimes.

3) How did you get started in roleplaying/Larping?

I read a book called " Vampire Bytes " by Linda Grant ( ALL OF YOU! GO BUY IT NOW I SAY! ) And it's about this Detective who is looking for a girl who LARPs in the bay area. I thought it sounded awesome so I tried to get into it. Years passed and a short time ago I reread the book. I had just gotten into LJ not too long before and I looked up a bay area larping community. And joined. That's where I met Johanna, James, and Chris. They responded to my plea for help.

4) How has roleplaying/Larping changed your life or has it?

It's given me something to do that's cheap on a saturday night. hehe. Joking :) It's something that I'm glad I found. It's a creative outlet I haven't had in a long time and it's nice to be around people who aren't that different from me in my secret geekiness..

5) You win the lottery! After buying the house and car and all the things you want, what do you buy me?

A BIG BLACK COCK! :) hah. Joking. I'd buy you whatever you need for your car project and I'd give you a large lump sum of cash to go play with. Prolly steal you away on a trip somewhere with a big group of my friends.